I hate feeling like this when I talk to my friends. I know I care about them, or at least, I know they're good people and that makes me want to be better, but I often am in the same "mood"/feel the same feelings when talking to them, as I do when I'm at work.

I don't know how to explain it exactly, but it at once feels like being a bad friend, and it also feels like I'm being robbed of the "fun" experience that others are supposed to have. Friendships aren't supposed to feel like another notification, another email, another item on the to-do list, another thing to remember to contend with. Or at least, if it is, then at least still a somewhat "fun" to-do item like taking a relaxing shower or walk.

I've noticed it recently - a feeling of aversion. It's a shame, because I do like a lot of my friends.

But sometimes it really feels like the most stressful and draining thing. If they knew I felt like it was a part-time job, would they be hurt? Probably.

But I'm not sure what the alternative is, and it's hard to feel good about something you hate.

The worst part is that it feels so petty to feel like this. Like, I know how many people are very lonely. I guess because I also feel lonely. I was texting a friend that I NEVER EVER vent to or complain to (and he has a few times to me, which is totally fine) about feeling depressed. And, it wasn't his fault – I think he legitimately had another obligation he forgot about – but he was immediately like "omg I'm so sorry but I have to go, we can talk later".

I felt bad even saying it though. Because how the hell could I even say that I felt depressed when there are many, many people that have a much harder life than I do?

And now, here I am complaining about the things I do have. Because at times, not all the time, having to text a friend can feel the exact same as seeing some crumbs on the floor and being like "Aw crap, I don't feel like getting that right now."

I know that, and I feel awful.

So now, I'm going to clean the floor, and I'm going to text back. But, sometimes it just feels like an overwhelming chore, and a drain.

And it's the most annoying thing in the world, because I know these are things I SHOULD want to do. I know it's normal to sometimes feel like this, but almost always...That's so unfair both to me and to them.

And, maybe it's just me. Maybe other people can make these things feel like a natural part of the day, and a natural extension of who they are. But for me, it often feels like an act.