Hello! I was a lesbian for a long time and have a lot of thoughts and advice for any questioning queer women out there. While I don’t really engage in posting on this subreddit or anything, I do appreciate the discussion it stirs up about orientation and kink and everything. This is basically just lots of sort of organized thought vomit (and a personal reflection on my OCD journey and the number of ways it applies to this kink).

I guess I just wanted to offer up my story in case anyone is struggling and wants perspective. And contribute to the new sub!!! This isn’t really kink talk, more of sharing how this subreddit has impacted me and how much I appreciate the community despite the obvious flaws that come with such a delicate kink. I think the folks posting here in good faith that thoughtfully engage in this kink are good folk. It takes a lot of emotional awareness and nuance to navigate this kink, man or woman. So… Shout to the folks who pause the RP kink talk and have some really good enlightening conversations. 

My Backstory

^{Early On}

I (AFAB/bi masc nb) knew I liked women pretty early on, no questions about it. From a pretty young age, I identified as bisexual. I never had crushes on anyone—except for my female childhood best friend for many years and… um, Bucky Barnes from Captain America. I never really got crushes on boys or girls, so there wasn't any super strong indicator. I just kind of assumed I was bisexual because there was nothing to show that I didn't like men. I just never really got crushes on anyone, so I guess bisexual was kind of the default, I assumed. And it felt right, it was good.

I stopped putting a lot of thought into my sexuality around highschool. I was my most feminine in sophomore year of high school and in LOVE with a male TA. So by highschool, I was still bisexual. As time progressed, and my mental health became a defining factor of my teen years, my sexuality faded to the background. I didn’t really think about it—it was nebulous. I asked out a few boys, I impulsively made out and blew a guy the day after my 18th birthday (very bad). But that’s really it. At the end of highschool I sort of started thinking I was a lesbian, but there wasn't any real rhyme or reason. I didn’t hold hands with anyone, have a boyfriend or girlfriend, etc, until college when I met my current girlfriend. 

^{Identifying as a Lesbian Gender Exploration} 

After meeting my girlfriend, I identified solidly as a lesbian, but my gender was in flux. I was progressively starting to identify as butch NB. I lowkey repressed or discounted my experiences with men in the past (justifying it by saying it wasn’t serious) and went forward assuming I was a lesbian. It felt closer to “right” than I had felt before, so I ran with it. I had never had a close relationship with a man besides my father, friends, romantically, etc, never had feelings for a man, so to my credit, it wasn’t an unreasonable assumption.

I leaned heavily into butchness, including being stone. I was terrified to admit that I wasn’t a woman—and in that, I didn’t want to receive sexual interaction as a woman. My partner stopped touching me and our dynamics really shifted to stone/pillow princess. I was, deep down, very unhappy. This was solely due to that lifestyle not fitting with my personal goals and needs—I developed a deep respect and appreciation for stone butch/femme culture that I still carry with me—butch women in particular. It simply did not fit me. Being treated femininely or submissively during sex was one of my biggest fears.

^{The Man} 

So… The story leads us to a man. He knew both my girlfriend and I. We hung out more and more over a few months. The chemistry and connection is fucking insane. Me and my girlfriend, staunch lesbians at the time, both had simultaneous breakdowns. 

1. We were monogamous (an overlooked issue if you are experiencing this for real beyond kink),
2. We were lesbians,
3. We knew him and he was part of our mutual social circle (he could have done significant social damage had he not been a safe person), and 

 4. Holy shit the chemistry is fucking palpable, what the fuck is happening? 

Suddenly realizing 50% of the population is actually sexy sometimes and you’d like some of them to raw you is incredibly overwhelming and scary. Like, for a while I was so upset and sensitive to the topic that I was just… like… noticing men everywhere in a way and it was distressing, not sexy. Well. Mostly not sexy. We both spiraled, but ended up keeping contact with him after we all mutually agreed sleeping together would be a bad choice given a bunch of external factors.

We slowly came to terms with the fact that we were bisexual. I slowly started realizing that I was transmasc, and possibly a trans man. Sex with a man felt so desirable as long as he doesn’t see me as a woman. We finally all fucked a year later—it was incredibly. Intimate, meaningful, and super fun. It is a cherished memory and we are still very close friends. Receiving that kind of attention from a man who was attracted to my body but didn’t see me as strictly a woman was amazing. 

As time progressed after we all had sex, I became increasingly insecure, falling into the trap of self inflicted toxic masculinity standards. I felt like I was putting on an affect, pretending to be somebody. I needed to realize I wasn’t a woman to accept that I was bisexual, but I had swung too far. I was unhappy. On a binary scale of gender presentation, if 1 is a man and 10 is a woman, at my unhappiest I was sitting at an 8-9. 

Part of what I struggled with was actually wanting to be slightly more submissive in bed, and not acting masculinely in bed (not femininely—just not like a man. Somewhere in the middle—unlike how I am only dominant with my girlfriend). My girlfriend became increasingly attracted to masculinity and I felt like I had to keep up. I was terrified she’d leave me if I became slightly less masculine. Well, another surprise—she doesn’t give a fuck and loves me for me, and unlike the common very sexy theme on this sub, does not actually crave or miss dick to the point of breaking up. 

I got over myself, and have settled at around a 6-7 depending on the day. I’ve used he/him pronouns for about a year, and I just recently switched back to they/them pronouns. This is NOT a detrans narrative—I questioned whether I was a transgender man, but I never fully committed to the identity and never fully identified with it. I do not consider myself detrans and will not be part of the harmful narratives surrounding someone’s personal choice to transition.

Thoughts and Advice 

^{Kink vs Fantasy Cultural Insecurity} 

There’s an unspoken feeling that if you are no longer a lesbian, you’re a “traitor.” I’ve never met anyone who’s actually said that (surprise—no one in my life gave a flying fuck), but there are people out there that would say that. 

There’s an inherent and powerful and both unspoken yet explicit guilt in leaving the lesbian culture and community, I think.This was particularly hard for my girlfriend, who was deeply insecure and repressing a loooooot of stuff. I accepted it a bit quicker and came out first. 

I feel like lesbian culture, while beautiful and vibrant, can also breed insecurity. Who are you if you define your identity by an absence of attraction to men, rather than an abundance of love for women? Some of my close friends who are very confident in their sapphic sexualities, regardless of whether they figured it out from a young age or 5 days ago, often focus on how much they love women—they don’t feel insecure about men. 

Folks I know who have undergone major sexuality shifts often felt deeply insecure in their prior sexuality, regardless of where they started. I felt insecure and wary of men—I never spent time with them, or was exposed to them. They were a black hole of questions that scared me, and the easier option was to shut the door on it.

Opening that door was terrifying and felt like I was “giving in.” And part of the kink role play on this sub is exactly that idea of giving in. 

^{What OCD Can Teach Us About this Kink}

Part of the spiral was my OCD— I compulsively read stuff on this sub about “giving in,” “biological purpose,” etc. While the spiral was happening, I browsed this sub a lot. In some ways, this subreddit was detrimental (by the way I used it). I have OCD, and it became an OCD compulsion to read upsetting stuff here, like poking an aching tooth. it was deeply upsetting, because not only do I deeply disagree with those concepts in real life, it scared me by how much it turned me on. It tapped right into the OCD fear/taboo part of my brain. Having sex with a man was like the ultimate OCD/kink exposure therapy, in some ways.

To be clear… OCD doesn’t equal kink. But the distress involved can be similar. Obsessions, ideas or fears you can’t stop thinking about, are ego-dystonic, as you will likely deeply understand, just as kinks can be!! Something that is ego-dystonic basically means it does not align with your values. So, for example, someone with race OCD may be terrified they will say something racist—when in reality, the extreme concern over the obsession is a reflection of how much that doesn’t actually align with your values. There’s also orientation OCD, which is an unholy fucked up thing where straight/gay/bi people are obsessed that they might be lying about their orientation. 

For sapphic people participating in this kink, being attracted to the men is the ego-dystonic part, their true daily actions and choices not aligning with men. 

Men who like this kink are obviously turned on in some way by the idea of converting (maybe forcefully or violently) sapphic women. That’s ego-dystonic—if you truly respect the lesbian identity and do not believe in conversion. Kinks being ego-dystonic =/ being a bad person. 

^{Labels vs Actions} 

There’s a very interesting discussion to be had about actions vs labels in defining sexuality—are we defined by what we delineate in our heads, or by the choices we make in life? Many people take issue with this kink due to the idea that lesbians can’t be attracted to men—after much internal debate, I’ve settled on my personal beliefs about it. I used to be so up in arms about defending labels (we <3 insecurity), and internally judged people who claimed to be lesbians but attracted to men. I’m still iffy on the term bi-lesbian purely from a vernacular point of view, but who gives a flying fuck. None of my damn business. 

It’s real fucking easy to judge until you find yourself scrabbling to hold on to the perceived safety of the lesbian identity. After the past 2 years, I firmly believe that choices and actions we make in life mean more than labels. Labels are primarily used to externally communicate relevant information to others. I lamely tried to use a homoromantic bisexual label, but I realized that basically all that tells people is that I like to specifically fuck men. (I am also romantically attracted to men, anyways.) 

If a woman lives her life surrounded by sapphics, engages in the culture, centers women, isn’t emotionally available to men, but occasionally takes dick sometimes? I feel like saying she’s bisexual is disingenuous and misleads interested partners—she should feel no external pressure to identify as bisexual or any particular way. Anyways. Labels are made up for other people, if they help you, use them. If they don’t, reassess your relationship with them. But never get stuck in a box of your own making. 

Advice for Questioning Sapphics Beyond Kink 

While incredibly difficult and upsetting, this subreddit helped me grow as a person, and process and face some difficult subjects in my head. 

^{Issues with Insular Communities} 

Oftentimes when I see (rare) posts from lesbians questioning their sexualities on other subs, the default response is “that’s just social conditioning and internalized homophobia. Here’s the master doc.” And that… really, really frustrates me. That “giving in” narrative that’s ingrained in creep straight culture and insecure lesbian culture is really fucking harmful, and is a major factor behind pervasive insecurity in lesbian identities. 

It’s one of the hottest parts of this kink for a lot of people, and that’s because I think it’s one of the most dangerous aspects of this kink in terms of separating reality and fantasy. If everyone is convinced you’re eventually going to fuck a man, as much of mainstream culture is, you’re going to be pretty fucking defensive about fucking men. It’s a really unfortunate isolating positive feedback loop within lesbian culture in response to those external cultural beliefs. Queerness and growth should be celebrated—but the lesbian community has been attacked, degraded, and given so little respect for so long, that it’s essentially hunkered down into survival mode and created a very in-group culture out of the need to retain community. But… this is harming people now. It’s restricting personal exploration and fluidity. Lesbians are just as free to change how they identify as anyone else without it meaning a single thing—and everyone needs to learn that, straight or queer. 

Anyways, I think this attitude lends to default online advice of “no, you’re just a lesbian with unresolved homophobia.” it wasn’t true in my case, and the dozens of comments suggesting I was mistaken didn’t help. If you know someone who’s questioning, affirm and acknowledge the uncertainty, and tell them that any outcome is okay. 

You deserve to feel at home in your body and live with labels you feel at home in (if you want those—finding comfort in a lack of labels is advanced level queer karate I’m still learning). Prioritizing tribal sexuality politics over self growth and discovery is shitty. It’s really fucking shitty and antithetical to queer goals and ideas. If a lesbian learns she’s straight, fucking good for her. if she is gay? Hell yeah. No one lost, no one proved a point. 

What Did It Feel Like to Be “Converted?”

“Giving in” is a super sexy power dynamic, it makes me soaking wet. But genuinely, honestly? My experience has been that, when it came down to it, the actual sexual ““conversion”” didn’t feel like I was giving in at all. I did the actual kink, went through and was actually “converted,”—and it didn’t feel like a power exchange 🤷🏻 The “man-ness” in my fantasies faded away and narrowed to the human being in front of me. 

It wasn’t kinky sex, it was an intimate threesome. I didn’t feel like I was letting a man invade me. We were all giving ourselves to each other, a la equal exchange. I wasn’t giving up anything, he wasn’t taking anything—we were just three human beings with different parts meeting in the middle. In the end, I realized that while the fact that he was a man was exciting, the core of what turned me on was the person. And cock. But mostly the person. The person and his dick (70:30 lol) were more important than his gender, tbh. 

It was really beautiful and taught me a lot about humanity and the human experience. Not to get sappy about it lol. It was a profound experience. It turns out that, after all of that, I am proudly and happily bisexual. So, perhaps for someone questioning whether this is kink or real, a good “tell” might be how you feel after having sex with a man. Ultimately, did you connect with this person as a person beyond gender, or was the fact that it’s a man the driving thing for you? 

^{Tips on Making it Happen}

The context in which our relationship developed and “climaxed” (teehee) was instrumental to the success of it working out, and leading to a close long term (though no longer sexual) relation/friend-ship. He also didn’t explicitly have a conversion kink—I don’t recommend incorporating a lot of kink if you’re having sex to figure shit out vs. actually engaging in kink. 

It was very out of character and spontaneous for all of us (though it slowly brewed over a year from acknowledging the attraction out loud to having sex). No one planned it, but we knew each other for a while (for about 2 years before we got properly close and became attracted to him). We all trusted each other deeply and approached the situation with respect, flexibility, and vulnerability. I deeply, deeply, deeply trust this man and I was getting all green flags. He respected our relationship, treated us like equals, respected my gender, and our (hair thin and slightly delusional) monogamy. He had no ulterior motives.

So, my advice for questioning sapphics out there who do intend to possibly seek out sex with an AMAB person—trust him, trust your read of whether he’s a safe person. You are in an incredibly, incredibly vulnerable position. Please, please be careful. 

Your safest options are men you know and trust, or safe and reputable folks on FetLife and other well known kink resources. You will be able to find reviews and assurance from women that have worked with different doms and kinksters before. But, for the love of fuck: Don’t hop on tinder and find some random guy. I know I can’t convince you not to, but please:

Value your safety and well being. If you feel something wrong in your gut, fucking run. 

Community Appreciation 

^Guys

To the men who conscientiously and positively engage in this kink: Thank you! You are appreciated! I appreciate those of you who can separate fantasy and reality, and handle with care something this delicate and personal—you may be an instrumental person in someone’s personal growth journey. 

And, don’t feel guilty. There’s a freak for every freak—if you have trusted partners who engage in this kink with you, you’re doing great. I deeply trust men who can appropriately and safely engage in this kink. Even though it’s such a taboo/weird/contentious topic, and can have violent or unpleasant themes, your inherent gentleness is heard, felt, and appreciated. The man who I trusted to have sex with is one the safest, kindest men I know—the opposite of a predator or a monster. Keep it to fantasy and appreciate the person behind the kink, and you’re doing aces. 

I’d also recommend reading some non-sexual stories about sapphic women questioning their sexualities. Understanding their perspective will not only humanize your kink partner, but help you say sexier shit. Getting under my skin and into my head is the sexy part <3.

To the mods: 

Thank you for being lovely and protecting this community. Your moderating is excellent and you get rid of the creeps real fast. Thanks for all the work and the space you’ve made here for discussion that you can’t really find elsewhere. ❤️ This is a really fucking valuable resource where necessary and stigmatized conversations take place. Human sexuality is fucked and so fluid—it boggles my mind that this particular niche is looked down upon by people who parade under acceptance. 

Final Thoughts/TLDR for Questioning Sapphics

Don’t panic. Do your research. Post to all sorts of subreddits, ask questions, talk to queer folks, especially older people, understanding and trusted straight folks, google old Reddit threads, read as many experiences as you can, browse the discussions on this thread. Straight to lesbian, bi to lesbian, lesbian to bi/straight, read about how gender plays into it. 

(Realizing you aren’t a woman and that you’re attracted to men simultaneously is also very, very common for transmascs. Lesbian to gay trans man is a meme for a reason.) 

One thing the past 2 years taught me is that the terrifying part of questioning yourself is the uncertainty. The “what if?” What if you’re attracted to men? What if you like dick? What if I’m straight? What if I’m bi? What if I’m just a lesbian? My advice? Don’t repress the questions and fear.

It will hurt more the longer you put it off—and you’re also putting off living an authentic and engaging life. 

Find the best exploration methods for you. Watch porn with dicks, watch/read m/f romance. Make male friends, just be around men more. (I started meeting more men around this time and I had rancid thoughts about all of them 😔). Get a realistic dildo, maybe one that can cum. 

If it’s really reaching a serious point, consider sleeping with a man you trust. Worst thing that’ll happen? It’ll be awkward and unpleasant. Best thing that’ll happen? You’ll finally have your answer, the uncertainty won’t be weighing over your head, and I promise the possible fall out anxiety of figuring out whether or not you’re attracted to men is nothing compared to the uncertainty. 

You'll figure it out :-)