I’m kidding. Kind of.

I’ve been a Sandman fan my entire reading life, since before I really should have been reading Sandman. My dad had a handful of the original paperback trade volumes and four or five of the original issues themselves in his library in the basement, and at like 12 I was semi-obsessively reading what I could, which at the time was essentially just Preludes and Nocturnes, World’s End, Brief Lives and an issue or two randomly picked up at various corners of the lore. At 13 I read American Gods too early and it’s still my favorite novel ever. At 15 he and I put together the full collection and I haven’t been able to stop loving the series and Neil.

One thing always did get me in the comics though, and that was Desire. I remember being fixated on Dream’s “brother-sister”. I know some readers always interpreted Desire as functionally AFAB but something about a being who was both and neither… made sense to me. I asked for clarification from my folks and I think they kinda gestured in the direction of the existence of trans folk but that didn’t help as much. I ended up kinda pushing a lot of these thoughts aside.

As the year’s passed, I got kinda hyper-focused on trans issues and trans bodies. I wasn’t always great at it, but over high school and college I became as good an ally as I could become. I was all my (shockingly large number of) queer friends’ favorite cishet dude. I went to pride with my Pan fiancé, I was my transmasc friends’ man card at the bar. I met and knew and loved many a nonbinary and genderfluid person, and I basically didn’t assume I was any of them. So many of them were AFAB anyway, and they were lovely and fine and could wear anything and just be whatever or whoever they were. I actually developed many a kind of intense friendship crush on many of these folks, aggressively seeking out a friendship with them. I didn’t question it though.

The Sandman series is finally coming out, and screw me sideways it sounds like it’s getting good reviews. I begin watching and the first few episodes are… perfect? Everything I had hoped for? But I knew, down the road, Desire was coming, and I wondered how on Earth they could ever nail desire.

And Mason Alexander Park shows up on screen.

And suddenly I have a few thoughts.

1. fuck, they’re perfect.
2. Huh, they’re hot and that’s confusing.
3. Shit. I want to be them. So. Bad.

A few months have passed, I’ve been slowly outing myself to friends, my fiancé has been working herself through this and been making plans about our relationship, and I’m a genderfluid goblin! I feel like I understand myself on a deeper level than ever before, and despite some days of deep self loathing, I’m finding a deep seeded self respect I’ve never had and I’m so happy to get a better understanding of myself. I just wish it happened before I was 28.

Mason Alexander Park, in a roundabout way, made me realize who I really am, and somehow Sandman has become even more integral to my being than I ever thought.