I had a conversation with my girlfriend about raising your voice. She wanted to be more comfortable with being assertive so we roleplayed a social situation where she was supposed to assert herself. I said it doesn't take much to sound determined and maybe a bit menacing. Just raise your voice a bit, shift your posture slightly.. She said she sometimes doesn't feel confident doing that, especially with male strangers, because she doesn't have the physical strength to back it up.

I hadn't even considered that as a factor before. Realistically, the situation wouldn't escalate to violence so strength didn't even seem relevant to me. She has a point though! When a wolf snarls he doesn't have to bite you to get you to back off but that's because you know he could. A puppy snarling wouldn't have the same effect. So when she and I are talking and I raise my voice, violence may not even enter my mind but I do have an albeit untapped reserve of potential violence behind my voice. If she asserted herself then, she would have to do a tally to see if she could match that or if escalating the situation would just mean she would lose anyway later but more severely.

Obviously things wouldn't escalate that far. You can liken yourself to a wolf in a reddit post but we still live in a society... Not gonna bite her throat because she wants Italian and I would prefer Vietnamese. Not even if I was really hungry and she was Vietnamese. Still, I have a reserve of potential violence behind me that's a factor in interactions, even if I think nothing of it.

This greater reserve of potential violence is a privilege I have.

It's important to be aware of it to avoid unknowingly taking advantage of it. If it seems easier to raise your voice to shut women up or talk over them or use your posture to assert yourself, note it's not because they're weaker willed or their points are less valid. It's a matter of respect to keep this privilege in check, maybe even use it to assert yourself on behalf of someone else to enable them to get heard. But the first step is to be aware of it.

A few years ago I read "reverse rape" as a tag on a rape-fantasy audio, meaning rape where a woman rapes a man. There's nothing reverse about this though. No one is getting de-raped or un-raped, you know? It's just rape. But to whoever wrote "reverse rape", rape was inherently something men did to women. I don't agree with that at all. But why would that be her mindset? It seemed odd to me, until I talked with someone else who wanted to make a rape-fantasy audio where she "rapes" a guy. She said raping a man didn't even make sense to her. She would be physically weaker so how would that even go down?

"Maybe with drugs", she said. Why, I thought? Just manhandle him and assume he lets you. I always figured people yield once the pressure gets too high. Often times without any physical violence beyond the rape itself. Sometimes just enough to break the victim's will to fight. In my mind, rapes didn't require that much applied violence so it never occurred to me why a woman couldn't do it just as easily. Just be forceful and from there they'll "let you" manhandle them. Everyone can muster at least that much violence, right?

Well. As with raising one's voice, it's not just about the applied violence but about one's reserve of potential violence. My acquaintance's wasn't big enough and she didn't feel like she could bluff convincingly, so to speak. She did make the audio and it was great but said she had to mentally slip into the role of someone tall and muscular to be able to perform it. It was hard for her to even imagine she, as her petite self, could rape a man. That was an eye opener for me as I had always taken for granted that I could rape if I wanted to. Water is wet, the sky is blue, and of course I could rape. Until that conversation I had assumed everyone felt that way but it turns out it's connected to the reserve of potential violence.

I don't want to call this a "privilege" in this case but it's nevertheless important to be aware of it to avoid unknowingly taking advantage of it.

A sexual advance could be interpreted as far more threatening than intended because of it. Like the first tank rolling across the border. Relatively harmless on its own, but it may well make her tally up how many she has and how many you have and if she surrenders it won't be because of that one lousy tank but because of how many could follow. If your lover/victim merely "let's you" go on, maybe even gets despondent, don't think "hey, this was easier than expected, don't look a gift horse in the mouth" and don't take advantage of the situation! Sex is a big deal and consent is crucial to avoid hurting your partners.

One way to take the potential threat (not just of rape but also of being disappointed, or of liking her less) out of the picture without evoking it ("I won't rape and then murder you, ok?") is to suggest an alternative. Give an out and make sure she knows you would be cool with it. "I want the microchip, Mr. Bond - but we could also just watch a movie on the obscenely large screen in my secret base." Immediately less threatening.

It sucks to have this "privilege" but being aware of it helps in steering against it.

Obviously there are other factors. Weapons, blackmail, authority, emotional manipulation, shame, drugs... Circumstances can be incredibly varied and obviously men can be and have been victims too. I'm painting in broad strokes above but don't want to downplay or silence anyone with different experiences.