I am now totally convinced I am in “hell” I don’t believe I survived my suicide attempt in 1987. Everything that has taken place from that moment has been either ‘almost’ satisfying but not quite or more recently (last 20 years) everything that I want/like or is good for my mental wellbeing is just permanently and teasingly out of reach. I receive no respect from anybody I mean anyone. I make every effort to ensure all those around me are happy and satisfied and respected. Yet it’s like I’m invisible when it’s my turn. No one has time for me oh wait unless there is money involved. Then all of a sudden I’m important until they get what they want then I am fucking invisible again.

OMG case in point I have new neighbours above that make noise 24/7. A child that screams for hours at a time often at 3 and 4 AM. And when you complain they get fucking mad and actually say they “have a right to live how they want. “ Maybe they should stop abusing the child.

I make every concession to those around me to make everyone happy. No one does that for me. If I ever did want something I would have to fight for it and that’s not me. I would not enjoy whatever it is. The person I just compromised for should reciprocate because it’s the right thing not because I had to “ring a fucking bell” to draw attention to what should have been natural...no, fuck natural try simply nice...the right fucking thing to do. But I don’t make waves so I never get what I want. But everyone around me does I make damn sure of it. No fucking respect. I am the one who is there for everyone else always...no one is there for me. Being nice is not a fucking weakness, it’s true normal it’s what we are supposed to be. Yet everyday I get fucked over. From my coffee not being made correctly even though it’s a common request all the way to simple human compassion. I GET NO RESPECT.

Women... oh boy...they all want to be my “friend”...I am and have been nothing more than a wallet and shoulder to cry on and free therapy (never the other way around). Not once can I say that as an adult I had a real (2 way) relationship I was used by all. Each an emasculating selfish shrew worse than the last. Each making my life hell in their own way. One whoring around with everyone I mean EVERYone. I was the last to find out I was the biggest cuckold joke in the Provence. The other flat out cutting me off. That’s just the big 2. It matters not how nice or respectful, decent, patient, honourable, compassionate, sensitive, agreeable, gentile I am. Every woman I have met wants to be treated equally and with respect and yet are incapable of reciprocation. Of course I only mean women I have been romantically involved with or pursued. I know men (multiple) who have terrible reputations that all (including these women) know about for being an absolute douche having no respect, cheating or even beating them but are never short of a date and by date also means 🍆💦 . Sometimes the bathroom or behind the bins at Bar A or her car oh yea even one time under the table at dinner she actually said “whoops I dropped my knife”🤦. These were all different women.One has been known to juggle multiple women at the same time up to 5. Yet as we already established I’m a decent human being and as such I have not even been on a single date in more than 10 years. Another reason I do not trust people. So you will excuse me if the next time a woman says to me “you are such a nice guy don’t change” or “ you are a great you just have to be patient” I vomit (said to me by multiple women who dallied with the scumbag and others over my life). It is devastatingly disheartening that after all my efforts nada zip zilch. And I consider myself a feminist. Each and every time I reach out I fail. I do feel I am unbelievably tough as I haven’t done it (suicide) again. However I have reached saturation point. 1 year is is too long to live without love let alone 50. I would not wish this on even the most evil of person. This is the true definition of TORMENT and why I believe I’m in “hell”.