Still Seeking Edition

My luck with women has never been any good. One time my ex-wife met me at the door in sexy lingerie. Unfortunately, she was coming home. She used to tell me she was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and told me she was afraid of the light. No repeat, I tell you. One time I went to a bar and asked the bartender to make me a zombie. He said, "God beat me to it."

I mean, even my childhood was rough. My mother had morning sickness after I was born. When I used to play in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. My parents kept moving when I was a child, but I found them anyways. The neighborhood was tough too. One time I put my hand in wet cement- and felt another hand. Every time I shut the window, I hurt someone's fingers.

It's hard to blame you for not wanting to date me. I'm not much in the looks department. I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. But I do have good looking kids... thank goodness my ex used to cheat on me. I mean, there are stretch marks on my bathtub. And it's not like I make up for it with all my money. For breakfast I have Ordinary K. I red to go to KFC just to lick other people's fingers.

If you would like a glimpse of old Las Vegas, Just open my zipper. The lights went out years ago.

Or drop me a note. I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waiter...