First Hint of Fall edition

Happy Fall, Sugar Babies. I hope you are doing better than I am. I mean, I knew my marriage was on the rocks when my ex-wife broke up with her boyfriend. She can’t cook at all… one time she made a chocolate mousse, and an antler got stuck in my throat. On her birthday, I made a toast to the “best woman a man ever had.” The waiter joined me. I don’t get no respect.  

And it wasn’t any better with my parents. I remember the time I was kidnapped, and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. I mean, I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. I used to play in the sandbox, but the cat kept covering me up all the time. It was rough.  

Don’t even get started on dating since my divorce. I was out with a girl at a country western bar. She gave her number to the mechanical bull. Wild girl. One time a girl told me she felt romantic, so I took her to a drive-in movie. I spent the whole evening trying to find what car she was in. But really, I don’t go out a lot. At my age, all the numbers in my little black book are doctors. The one with a star is my proctologist. 

You aren’t laughing enough? I can fix that… I’ll send you a nude picture. If you’re around Las Vegas, we can go out gambling… that’s what all women call my first dates. Double zero… so sorry. I told a woman once that I like playing “21.” She said I look like about four hands. No respect. 

Hey, tonight is free crab night, but I am getting treatment. See you soon, unless you see me first.