Reputation Edition

I have a terrible reputation. It dates all the way back to my childhood. I mean, when I was born the doctor cut the cord and tried to hang himself with it. Terrible. School wasn't much better. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. That kid didn't help a bit.

Summers were just as bad. This time I got lost on the beach, a cop helped me look for my parents. I said to him, ‘Do you think we'll find them?’ He said, ‘I don't know kid, there's so many places they could hide.’ I held a seashell up to my ear, it told me to get the hell off the beach.

When I was in college, I used to see a therapist. One day I told him I kept thinking I was a dog. He told me to get off his couch. It was terrible, but I tried to protect my reputation. When I'd go to the drive-in movies, I'd do pushups in the back seat. I mean, when I would buy a cucumber at the grocery store, I'd also pick up a jar of vaseline. I didn't want anyone to think I was a vegan.

My dating life isn't so great either. My first blind date, I waited on the corner until this girl walked by. I said, ‘Are you Louise?’ She said, ‘Are you Corruptable?’ I said, ‘Yeah’. She said, ‘I’m not Louise.’ Ouch. I was makin' love to one girl, she started to cry. I asked her "You'll hate yourself in the morning?' She said 'No, I hate myself now.'

Maybe you could help? After all, I got my own problems. I’m half Jewish and half Japanese. In fact, I was circumcised at Benihanas. It was the senior citizen's special: half off.

Thanks, folks, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to order the dessert, it's the only treat you'll be getting tonight.