Dog Days Edition

It’s the middle of August, and the heat is everywhere. I went to blow out the candles on my birthday cake, and the heat drove me back. I mean, it’s so hot I saw a bird dipping a worm in iced tea. I bought a loaf of bread, and by the time I got home it was toast. I went to the restroom in a nightclub, and the guys were all snorting ice cubes. 

But you know, it’s really all about respect. And I don’t get any at all. Last week, a belly dancer told me I turned her stomach. I mean, I’m not a hypochondriac, but try telling that to my gynecologist. She doesn’t respect me either. I went into a bar, and they asked me what I want. I said, “surprise me.” The bartender showed me a picture of my ex-wife. 

I try to be pretty open minded. I told my ex-wife I wanted group sex. She agreed and screwed me in front of a jury. But I’ve always been a free thinker. I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year. It’s confusing, though… I’ve been taking Viagra with prune juice. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. 

I have to say though, my ex- and I had twenty happy years. Then we met. I started to wonder if she was cheating on me when all the parrot would say was “Quick… out the window!”  Hey, at least she always gave good headache. 

I’d like to thank you for all the great feedback on my posts. A woman messaged me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home. Last month, I started to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents? 

Well, it’s time for me to get back to work. I do okay now, but I didn’t always have much money. When I was younger, if I wasn’t a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with. You’ve been a great audience, and just remember… if sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong.