Midsummer Edition:

It's hot here. So hot. It's so hot, I saw two trees fighting over a dog, which is pretty close to my romantic life anyways. (I'm the tree.) So hot it's not.

Honestly, I just don't get any respect. My ex- used to have sex with me only when it filled a purpose. The last time it was so she could time an egg. No respect.

When I was a kid, I had a yo-yo. It never came back. My last girlfriend told me I must have been something before electricity. When I open my door for Halloween, the kids give me candy. It's a rough life.

On the upside, I finally figured out how to get a woman to say "yes" every time. I just ask her, "Am I bothering you?" If you'd like to be bothered, and you are way out of my league (just breathing counts), you should probably write me. I mean, I know I'm not the hottest guy; the last time I stuck my head out my car window I got a ticket for mooning.

At least I'm okay financially. It wasn't always that way. My rich aunt died, in the will she said I owed her $20. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. I was hungry, I tell you.

Many of you have done a good job ignoring my posts, which puts you in good company with all of my ex's. To the rest I simply say that I'm an acquired taste you should think carefully before acquiring.

You've been a great audience. Don't forget to tip your waitress, but try not to get arrested.