Did you ever wonder what happened to the class clown in high school? The guy with the fart pillow who could perfectly imitate the home ec. teacher, but using only swear words? The good news: he’s all grown up and has somehow persuaded the world to buy his goods and services. The bad news: his sense of humor is mostly unchanged, and there are fewer authority figures around to quash it. 

I confess; I am an unrepentant punster who misspent his youth watching comedians on Johnny Carson. Just like my prior message in a bottle, I still live in Las Vegas, still gamble, still like going out to dinner, concerts, shooting, and various other activities, at least when the sun is located more than 3 feet from my forehead (meaning: before 7AM or after October 1^st). If an inclination towards gentle chaos is the hallmark of a well-furnished mind, docusign me up for it.  

So, this is the moment when you might be wondering what I look like. Let me tell you, when I was a kid, I worked in a pet store. I got fired… people kept asking' how big I get. 

I'm so ugly that my proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth. 

I'm so ugly that my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

But at least I have a great personality. One time my psychiatrist told me I'm crazy. I told him "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said "Alright, you're ugly too!" 

Last month I told my doctor I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one. 

But enough about me, no? We’re here to talk about you.  

You’re younger than I am, which is a pretty low bar for entry. You’re more attractive than I am; ibid. You’re ambitious, work hard, and like yourself. It would be helpful if you like me too, but I guess you can’t have everything. 

If we met in the wild, and we got involved, I’d want to take care of you because that’s what I do. It’s an instinct, not a transaction. 

You want to have fun, laugh a little, talk a lot, and do more than mattress wrestling, although if you take two falls out of three, you get a free toaster. It’s organic for you, you’re here because you like who you like, and you march to the beat of a different drummer. 

You heard that guys with a big sense of humor are bigger everywhere. You haven’t heard that? I’ve got a great joke about it, but it’s too long. And don’t forget to tip your waitress. 

Tl;dr: Las Vegas, old, vaudeville, big, arrangement, real.