i'm mia, and as the title states, i'm going through a bit of a romantic crisis lol... i need help!

I had gone through a hellish break up about a year ago and moved back in with my parents just outside SF. it was probably the lowest time in my life - no job, no boyfriend (but at least no one abusive around me...) and honestly no hope.

even though i was pretty vulnerable, my therapist and i decided i'd try to volunteer as away to get out of my self and also give back, a way to make myself feel good through altruism. i joined a volunteer group through a friend of a friend, and met a really lovely group of people.

it was there that i met ben and carlos. they're in their mid to late 30s, ben is in tech, carlos is a nurse and we just immediately hit it off because i was an office manager for a startup in nyc before i moved back out here. we started chatting more and more and got coffees / drinks pretty regularly after volunteering, and the vibe was so chill. i learned they used to have a pug and want another one some day, that they've been together for 14 years and married for a decade and that ben wants kids (he has a big time cheesy dad vibe but also works out like crazy) and was slowly working on carlos to maybe say ok at some point.

i guess things started to change when i realized that ben and i had A LOT in common. it seemed like every time we got coffee or a drink we were the ones talking, which i totally didnt mind since i have a ton of introverted friends like carlos. i did (and still do) everything to make sure he doesnt feel like a third wheel... but like, sometimes the only words out of his mouth are "hello" and "goodbye" and he just sits quietly the rest of the time.

i won't lie, i found ben hot. he's tall, built, really cute smile and just obviously takes care of himself. carlos is short, kinda cute, a tiny bit heavy set with a little mexican accent (he's from somewhere out gaudalajara) but so nice. it's just that i guess when we all got together, i naturally made a lot more small talk with ben and we genuinely became really really good friends.

about 4 months... there was a slip up. it's still a secret and honestly i feel so torn telling carlos, but for now i just don't feel comfortable telling him. but like, me and ben had drinks one night cause carlos was in MX visiting his parents, and we were bored and decided to go back to their apartment (which we've done more than a few times) and it just felt different with just the two of there... like super charged.

we had much more to drink, watched a show on netflix (i forget which but there were a lot of sex scenes), and i guess we just started... like, making out lol. it almost felt like friends just kinda chilling and kissing at first, almost like a joke, but we got into it.

he looked sheepish and asked if he could like, feel me up and stuff. i took my shirt off (no bra bc i thought it was a chill night lol) and let him feel, i did the same to him and learned he was... definitely packing lol. and after a while of just doing that, kissing and just being chill, he wanted to like... try fingering me. it's still so wild, cause i didn't think gay guys would want to do that, but he seemed super curious so i basically gave him pointers. he was a natural and literally got me off twice in the span of 15 mins or so... i was floored. i returned the favor and sucked him off, which he loved and when he was done said he hadn't had someone swallow him in a while (ya i'm that type of girl lol). if he had wanted to fuck, i would've, but he seemed tired and it was 3am lol

it was obviously awkward for weeks after. i didn't go to the next volunteer session, and the next week ben called and told me that however i felt, it was all on him and that i shouldn't feel bad at all. it made me feel better about the whole if i'm being honest. i tried to drop it but also kinda felt disappointed...

then about 2 weeks later i get a call from ben that him and carlos are going to a party and that i should come. i've met their friends before but had never really hung out with all them, but it turned out they were amazing and i had such a nice night that night (i even met a girl who literally trained as a yogina or whatever). everyone got super drunk, it was fun.

the whole night, ben keeps looking over at me and smiling and i'm like, wtf? i thought we dropped it? but as it turns out, when me, ben and carlos headed out, ben stopped me on the street and was like, hey... carlos and i were talking and would you wanna do a threeway? i giggled like it was a joke cause they aren't open or anything with other guys... but it wasn't. carlos was quietly either looking at the ground or anything but me, occasionally smiling at me, and ben had a huge grin on his face. every part of me screamed don't do it, it's gonna change everything, but dumb drunk me said yes.

and that's how i ended up at their place until 4 in the morning, fucking ben and feeling a little guilty about the whole thing but having pretty much the best sex of my life... not even exagerating. and this is a guy who's never fucked a girl... it's crazy. i distinctly remember the point at which i forgot how many orgasms i had had and seeing ben with his huge grin on his face, just fucking me into the bed. carlos was asleep in the living room cause he had too much to drink and while i thought he was a good kisser, i just didn't really feel a spark with him like i did with ben.

since then, ben and i have been having an unofficial fwb type relationship going on for about 2-3 months and i spend far more time over at their place. it's honestly been mentally so amazing for me to have ben in my life, helping me reorient my life and feeling more confident about myself. and ben said he's been discovering so much about himself and that i'm key to it all. i've even been thinking about going back to school because ben believes in me so much.

we both love each other as friends and, obviously, as lovers and we regularly tell each other that, which is such a dose of positivity in my life, i can't live without it now. i got weird the first time he said it to me, but now it just feels natural. i dunno... it feels amazing!

but a part of me feels bad about carlos. like, me and him make small talk at volunteering or the few times we go out together (carlos rarely goes to post-volunteer drinks now and it's mostly just me and ben...), and i make every single effort to engage with him and crack jokes and stuff, but he just gives me his shy, curt little smile and doesn't really engage with me... sometimes it really hurts. i want my friend and lover's husband to like me, obviously, because i know it means so much to ben.

what am i doing wrong? is this wrong? should i feel bad? i know this isn't "dirty" but it's me opening up about something sexual, unconventional and maybe a little dirty and wanting a little help and perspective on how i should feel, because no one really tells you how to handle a situation like this lol.