My new year was a bust.

I’ve been looking on Reddit for awhile and I’ve had a few great experiences, but most people fake (I’m guilty of this myself), or the logistics don’t work out. Too much planning and waiting involved. Or they have to check with their partner and that takes weeks of preinterviews before even exchanging pictures. Then, if you make it past that hurdle, they have 101 rules of what isn’t allowed. I get it, I respect it, but where are the freaks who just want a one night stand doing the freakiest shit they can imagine/want/need?

I don’t want your full health bio or negative covid tests. We’re using condoms. If you have a std that condoms doesn’t protect from, well, you weren’t gonna tell me anyways and no test was gonna prove anything anyways. Plus, there’s this thing called adobe acrobat. It always ensures negative test results. I’m tired of needing to provide more information to hook up than it takes to get a mortgage. Don’t fuck strangers from the internet if you want to keep shit risk free. I know that sounds horrible and risky and it is, but come on people! You’re looking for random sex with strangers!

If that offended you, great, you saved me hours of back and forth texting only to find out that you have a playbook (rules limiting making any threesome actually enjoyable because you’re not actually cool with watching your partner fuck someone else, you only like the idea of it) that removes all the fun of fucking other people for fun in the first place.

If you can’t host or get a room or want me to split the cost of a room, exit here.

If you have a sex room, a bedroom that’s not off limits because it’s your sacred place with your life partner, a hot tub, a living room that you don’t share with other people, a van with tinted windows and no seats in the back, a van with no seats and a super sweet spot in the cuts that no one knows about, a hotel room (no Airbnb), a condo, house, or apartment with a pool/hot tub that is 100% unmonitored late at night, a job at a gym or country club or rec space with a pool and or hot tub that you have access to after hours when it’s 100% private, or any other setting that 1970s porn was made in that is private, you made it past the next step.

I don’t want to meet you in the back seat of your sedan or station wagon or at your parents house unless they have a pool and or hot tub and sleep like they’re comatose.

So, you have an appropriate location.

Next, you’re available TONIGHT. No tomorrow or next week or in the morning.

Good so far? Okay, next, you’re a freak. You’re not looking to make love and or find a cosmic connection or soulmate. You want to get your freak on and you’re not a selfish lover. It’s not your first time and you’re not new to kinky/freaky/nonvanilla sex. You use words like cock and pussy, not penis and vagina. You would not be offended that I come wearing a lacy teddy with openings for my nipples and pussy. In fact, it turns you on and makes you think of which toys in your arsenal would be perfect for this easy access.

Extra points if you have nipple clamps, pussy pumps, dildos, clitoral lickers, or any other sex accessories.

Finally, you are clean in appearance and oral hygiene. You don’t have ungroomed facial hair. If you’re a man, you wear cologne and deodorant and shower daily. Unfortunately, that has to be specified on Reddit. Your physique allows you to view your genitals without requiring the aid of a mirror. Ladies, you’re exempt from this if your breasts are what hinder your ability to do this while you’re wearing a bra (I’m guilty of this.) Basically, are you fuckable? Do people want to fuck you? And you don’t have to pay them?

Why so specific and bitchy? Because I’m tired of wasting my time responding to people who end up not being good matches. I’m sure you are too.

I’m white, born female and still female, 47, curvy (48 38 48), long brown curly hair, I’m no beauty pageant all star but I’m attractive, I don’t wear makeup beyond lipgloss, mascara, and a tinted moisturizer. I buy my hair products at Target. I don’t wear nail polish. I can go from pajamas to showered and out the door in fifteen minutes if I need to. My breasts are huge and real so they’re nice and soft. I’m a mom so my wardrobe is mostly jeans and tank tops and hoodies with puma classics.

I’m a Bay Area native, UC Berkeley alumni, and I’m currently not employed. So skip the shop talk. I know a little bit about many things but most of it has nothing to do with anything. I haven’t read any books recently but I finish the New York Times crossword puzzle almost daily. Also, Connections and Wordle are my favorites. My go to music is rap and hip hop, but I don’t listen to what my kids are listening to. I have an iPhone, 2 tvs, but no cable or streaming services.

My favorite fruits are raspberries, mangoes, plums, and watermelon. My favorite vegetable is asparagus. Zucchini is second, followed by lettuce.

I love whisky and beer, but red wine is good too. Mixing these is bad. My favorite drink of all time is sparkling water, followed by fresh banana milkshakes.

I’ve had one marriage and divorce, one sperm donor, and one boyfriend, in that order.

If you’re still interested, please send your photo, your favorite sexual activity, what kind of lingerie turns you on, if you would host or get a room, and if you’re down to meet up tonight.

No photo, you go to the end of the line.