Wisdom says posting on reddit to look for a long term AP isn’t the wisest thing to do. But if every instinct I have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. So here goes.

I’m looking for someone who brings something different to my life. I can’t be with someone like me, because I hate myself. I’m attracted to women with nice skin with a pinkish hue. A rosy glow. I want to stare into your eyes and tell you how breathtaking you are. I want someone to message with daily. We’ll talk endlessly til we are speechless. Til we’re without speech. I want someone to care about and fill each other’s emotional and intimacy voids. Overall, looking for a good person and not the top seller at the jerk store. If you’re new to this lifestyle and feeling guilty, don’t. Just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it. I’ll help ease you into it, and trust me it’ll feel so right. No expectations and no disappointments.

I find myself here because I got married and had kids many years ago. My wife changed and yadda yadda yadda, the bedroom’s dead. As for me, I’m quite the catch. I’m a very educated professional, a polyglot, and my dead fiancé's were all beautiful models. I play instruments, have man hands, but I am susceptible to shrinkage in cold water, like a frightened turtle. I’m an engineer at a tech giant like most people in the San Francisco bay area, though I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect. Or a marine biologist. I definitely don’t want to be a pirate though. I live healthy, eat well and enjoy my veggies like broccoli. Sadly, I’m not the master of my domain, nor the lord of my manor. I don’t smoke nor do drugs, nor do I have piercings or tattoos. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m probably the opposite of every man you know because I actually care–about spelling, grammar, and you. I’m definitely not looking for a short term fling, nor am I here to womanize or objectify you as a challenge or here for the chase. I just want to be genuine and open my heart and let someone in and hopefully vice versa. Just one person, for the long term. While I’m very sponge worthy and know “the move” (pinch AND swirl!), I care just as much about pleasing you spiritually and emotionally, and be the partner you wish you had, not looking to change our situations of course. I’m also awesome because I will spare a square since I strive to be compassionate every day. I also don’t double dip because that’s like putting your whole mouth in the dip, which is a big no no during covid for which I’m double vaxxed and boosted, and prefer that you are too (though honestly, no judgment). Unfortunately though, as you can tell, I am not funny at all so you’ll have to live with that.

So if you think we may be a good match, please reach out because our relationship may just blossom into something real and spectacular. Otherwise, no soup for you! Serenity now!!

T Bone