F(30)and lately I can't stop thinking about sex, masturbation, being wet, and, unexpectedly, other women's wetness. This has been overwhelming and conflicting, and I'm still trying to make sense of it all.

This is kind of long lol

It started about a week ago, out of nowhere. I was lying in bed, casually scrolling the internet without any real intention. Before I realized what was happening, my hands were on my body-rubbing myself through my leggings and squeezing my breasts. It felt impulsive, almost automatic. Moments later, I found myself typing "wet pussy grinding riding" into a search bar. This was shocking because I'd been porn- and masturbation-free for over two years. For a while, I wrestled with myself about whether to continue. But the urge won. It took time to find a video I truly enjoyed-I'd preview clips, touching myself to gauge my reaction. If l didn't feel hornier from a scene, l'd keep scrolling until I found the right one.

Honestly, after so long without porn, part of me felt disgusted watching other people have sex. I even tried reading sexy short stories instead, but they didn't do it for me. Eventually, landed on a video of a woman with a round butt riding a large dick slowly and passionately. That visual ignited something in me. It brought back vivid memories of riding my partner like that, feeling my clit press and slide against him, the ease of orgasm that position always gave me. I came almost immediately. But then shame crept in. I prayed, asking God to help me control my behavior. Yet within half an hour, I was back at it, coming three more times to different videos. Later that night, I was torn between masturbating again and initiating sex with my husband. Eventually, I walked up to him and, in a way that surprised even me, said, "I want to fuck you." He looked shocked—| never speak like that. Without hesitation, he started fingering me, and I began gushing around his fingers. I spit on his cock and climbed on top of him, grinding my clit against his shaft as I kept him fully inside me. When he said he was about to come, I stopped him, frustrated because he finishes so quickly and rarely helps me after he's done. He also doesn't like it when I masturbate beside him to finish. We paused briefly, but my desire was too intense. I started bouncing on him again, kissing his neck deeply. I came, but it was weak and unsatisfying. He came soon after, and while it felt good in the moment, it wasn't enough to quench the fire raging inside me.

Since then, porn has become so boring, and my fantasies have taken a surprising turn. I find myself daydreaming about women-licking their pussies until they're soaking wet in my mouth, them eating me out, our bodies grinding together for hours. There's a friend I've known for years who occasionally sends me videos. I've never been attracted to women before, so I'd always brushed it off. But now, I can't stop thinking about her. We live in different states, but if she were here, I'm sure l'd try to make a move. I fantasize about feeling her wetness against mine, our nipples in each other's mouths, and getting lost in the pleasure.

I love my husband, and these fantasies leave me feeling guilty and conflicted. I know I shouldn't indulge them, but they feel so vivid and intoxicating that I can't stop myself Adding to the chaos is the fact that I stopped taking my Vyvanse for a week, and I wonder if this heightened sexual energy is a side effect of going off and on the medication. Whatever the cause, l'm caught between immense enjoyment and deep guilt.