I lost my souldog in December of last year, after 15 short years together. It was the most painful experience of my life, and I still have a lot of guilt about it.

The hard part is: I forget she's gone. So when I'm reminded it just hits me like that moment she passed all over again. The other day I was studying at my partner's house, and his beautiful dog was asleep on my feet like my Daisy girl did. I thought it was her. When I looked to give her love it wasn't her and I remembered once again she's gone. It's only in these moments that my emotions about her are so intense, that I grieve, but those moments pass and they go back into the "this is a thing that happened that I don't feel anything about" filing cabinet in my brain. Today someone commented (nicely) on my memorial tattoo of her (her paw prints on my chest) and I came home, was in a dissociative episode and just slept for 4 hours. Now I'm trying to pack my house to move, being acutely aware that she's gone and bawling.

I love SDAM, I hate SDAM.