Hey,

If you’re reading this then I’m afraid I have some bad news. You probably guessed it already but you aren’t on Earth anymore. But don’t panic, you’ve found my shelter and, with any luck, I’m nearby and will be back soon. I’m usually never away for more than a few hours, so just sit tight and I’ll be back. Help yourself to the food in the jars, there’s even a deck of cards under that green shirt. Just in case I don’t come back, though, I wrote some advice on the other side of this paper. Very little about this place makes sense, and what I do know about it I’ve learned through trial-and-error and dumb luck. I’d love to share what I know in person, but if I don’t come back, that luck ran out, so here’s hoping you do better than I did.

Maybe you’ll even find a way back home.

PS. If you happen on a shirtless guy with torn khaki pants, that’s me! If I’m alive, great! I look forward to meeting you and actually having some company. If I’m dead, just leave me there, and stay away from that area for a while.

.

Helpful Tips! These are all bits of advice I think are essential to your continued existence. There’s way too much to cover and I only have so much room on this paper. I may write other notes for more specific advice later.

DON’T STARE AT THE SKY! Yes, I know it’s full of eyes. But apparently, while they can stare at you all they want, staring back at them is really unhealthy. Just ignore them and keep your eyes on the land around you. I know it’s unpleasant but trust me, it is better than making eye contact.

Don’t start any fires. Light sources of any kind are bad, really, but fires also create smoke, which they really do not care for. Also no phones, flashlights, or… I dunno, anything you may have brought with you that generates light. I know it’s dark here, but you’ll adjust.

Don’t eat the eyes raw. So far, the only food I’ve found are the small eyes growing everywhere. They can be kind of hard to pull off the stalks, but they are edible, and since I’ve not died of malnutrition yet, they seem to have everything a body needs! But like the tip says, don’t eat them raw. You’ll need some kind of container to keep them in, a bowl or a jar or something. All my jars are full but it’s totally fine to reuse them over and over. Put the eye in, put the lid on. The eyes slowly secrete a liquid that’s not quite water, so just let it stew in that until the pupil fades away. Then it’s safe to eat, and you can drink the not-water afterwards. You can survive off the eyes alone! But seriously, do not eat them raw.

The Mouths can be killed. The Mouths are… well, you’ll know them when you see them. They’re about the size of a pig at a petting zoo and they run really fast, so they’re going to freak you out the first few times you run into them. Thankfully they aren’t sneaky in the slightest, so even if you do not see it first, the screaming will let you know when one is charging you. Try to stay calm, and look for the two holes slightly above the giant mouth. That is its ‘nose.’ All you have to do is punch it really hard right there. It’s going to hurt so much, because their hide is tough as rock, but for whatever reason that just drops them dead. Just be careful your hand never enters their actual mouth, because it’s never coming back out if so.

PS. I haven’t tried eating them before, due to their hide being so tough, but if you have a knife or something I guess you could cut one open and see what's inside?

Don’t eat the stalks/Don’t drink the gray water. Learn from my mistakes, ok? In fact, just don’t eat or drink anything except for the eyes. Everything else I’ve tried is apparently hallucogenic and having a trip in this place is the worst thing imaginable.

Music plays sometimes. I don’t know from where, but it doesn’t seem to do anything, and it’s pleasant enough. So don’t freak out, as far as I know it’s perfectly fine.

If all the eyes suddenly shut, HIDE AND CLOSE YOURS TOO. You just need to trust me on this one, ok? Like the old saying: “When in Rome…”

That’s all I’ve got. If I haven’t come back, feel free to use my shelter. It’s a little fleshy but, hey, what isn’t in this place?

For what it’s worth, I’m sorry this happened to you. I hope these notes will help.

• Louis