Welcome to your new job! Now, I know that you are excited to get to movin' and groovin, but there are a few rules I need you to read. I expect you to take this seriously, alright?

1. This is an independent living facility. That means the old folks living here can mostly take care of themselves. If you find an old person needing more help, then you can provide, call our front office, and let them know. Do keep them company while their homecare business is alerted. If they become hostile, de-escalate the situation. Otherwise, leave.

2. We have two homecare businesses in the building. Bluegrass and Homewell. Bluegrass wears blue scrubs and black pants, along with a name tag with their logo on it. Homewell wears red scrubs with black pants, and their logo is embroidered on the scrubs. If you see a caregiver who does not match these descriptions, call the front office. We will take care of them.

3. As much as our staff, residents, and caregivers may complain, there is only one elevator. If you hear about a second elevator, ignore it. It is merely a fantasy done by the staff or residents. If you see a second elevator, call the front and prevent everyone from boarding either elevator. You do not know which one is the real one, and neither do we.

4. There are a few residents we call "sundowners." If you see these residents outside of their rooms after sunset, call the front office. Keep an eye on them and make sure they do not interact with a fake caregiver. Use any means necessary. Failure to follow this rule will have lethal consequences.

5. If you feel hungry, order something from the kitchen or use a delivery app to have food brought to you. We have a stipend and will pay back any food you get through deliveries. Under no circumstances should you bring food from home. Under no circumstances should the break room fridge be used to contain food for more than one hour. Fake caregivers tend to carry poison on them.

6. Accept food from no one except for kitchen staff. If someone intercepts your food, throw it out. Get a new one. We will pay for it.

7. If family or friends turn up in the workplace and try to get you to leave early or stay after shift, those are not your friends.

8. If your total weekly hours run over 60 hours or 8 hours a day, call the front office. We will pay you for the hours on your sheet come the next payday, but you can not come in. Not until you get an all-clear call from us to do so. Failure to follow this rule will have lethal consequences.

9. Do not enter the kitchen. You may poke your head in. You may call someone over. You may barely step inside to catch someone's attention, but that is pushing it. You may be assumed to be a fake caregiver. Failure to follow this rule will have lethal consequences.

Welp! That about does it. Welcome aboard. Before you start babbling about the risks, you are getting paid 45 dollars an hour and double for night shifts. There is a reason people stay here, in spite of the risks. There is a reason for all of this.