I went to the bar for the first time a couple nights ago. I don't drink, but I got hit on too aggressively by an older woman to the point I think it was harassment even though I was like complicit somewhat. I basically had a "where's my hug?" kind of creepy experience. It hit me like a train yesterday, which reminded me my social support system is bad so here we are.

Mmm so I can't say with complete confidence, but after working with mutliple therapists, it seems like I have autism and ptsd. So it's like hard because I want to be hugged, but after last time where I just went along with hugging her, I don't feel good about it. I cried a bit yesterday like not streaming tears, but I felt wetness in my eyes, and I age regressed a bit. I have like a "bro" way of thinking/stimming, and I was thinking like "goddammit bruh not this shit again, I thought we were already past this." I'm by no means innocent with sexual harassment situations, so I don't want to like be a caricature of a victim or have that women or me be caricatures of abusers. I'm interested in loving and being loved by someone deeply. I am a deep lover albeit challenging. I'm kind of challenging in all the good and bad childish ways. I'm very quiet, but angry. Analytical, but impulsive. Peaceful, but kinda obsessed with violence (mostly just hardcore fantasy nsfw stuff, no worries). Dense, but smart. Aloof, but easy to overwhelm (teasing, loneliness, or societal rejection). Apathetic, but randomly passionate. Selfish, but kind. And more and more unempathetic everyday, but hungrier and hungrier for attention, being listened to, thought about, respected, empathized with, and loved.

Eye contact is cringe (and painful). I'd feel more comfortable circle-jerking about the bad stuff.

I am the cute type. Soothing monotone autistic quiet voice ig. I have long hair but it's contrasted with a far back receding hair line, so I'm not sure what the general vibe is from women, but I like my hair as it is and I want to grow it longer while I can. Small beard and mustache. Glasses. White. 5'9". A lot of pervy people ask this again and again (😭), I am not fit or hung. I am 200lbs pounds plus whatever a shit ton of krispy kreme binges. I want to start a business so I can retire ASAP. Let's live off dividends and not work lol.

I do be exploring my style a bit. Only just a bit though. I think a little bit of extra black has made people turn their eyes towards me more often. That is by no means consistent though. Usually it's just t shirt and shorts/jeans. But if it's a goth day, then we bring out the satanic ram priest jacket on top.

I am busy with college, so I don't have many hobbies. I watch a lot of youtube, and I'm on my phone a lot. I have my autistic special interests, but they aren't first date conversation material. One of my stims is beatboxxing (I'm not good, I just like making the same noises over and over again), and the other thing I was going to say I forgot. I have things I like to do, but I wouldn't call them hobbies.

I don't know what I want to do with my life, but I know I want to make a lot of money and retire so I can free up a lot of my time. The main thing I am pursuing right now is feeling safe. All of my actions point back to that I think. That has motivated some fantasies of having multiple lovers living with me, but it's not something I have by any means worked the details out on. It's a hard thing to bring up as you can imagine. It is but a fantasy atm. But it's like, romantically I haven't really met someone who has met my criteria before because my emotions are complicated, as is everyone's, yet I'm in a somewhat weird situation where I am societally withdrawn in general. I'm looking for that person who can like still have a level of happiness and not lose control if their boyfriend is sad if that makes sense. I don't want to have you just take care of me, okay well I do lol, but I want to feel needed as well. I don't think I could literally handle it atm, but I liked that surprise hug from behind kind of energy.

And I might as well say, I have a blunt affect, but I laugh a lot. Boomers tell me to smile more. And I am a blusher (and a yelper apparently, if I get really overwhelmed by womanly attention). And I think I have a small teensy bit of an e boy vibe. I think I am bratty too, and I can dish it out, but I can't take it. I really, really can't take it. I have a pervy way of flirting, and my main sense of humor is being silly. I think I forgot to mention I want to be infantilized more, but I'm trying to square that with people infantilizing autism sometimes anyways, or not, idk. I would like to be respected but infantilized by a considerate, loving partner, and uh maybe we can flap our hands together some day. Take care.