Sorry for the rambling but I want to get this out of my system.

I've lurked on here for a while but whenever I try and mentally build up the energy to post or post a comment or talk on Discord or anything for some reason I always back out scared and I don't know why. I feel like an outsider looking in and wanting in but never actually doing, only looking like some sort of creep staring at the popular kids in school and wishing I was one of them. And after that I feel like maybe I was meant to be alone. I want to get to the bottom of this so I can move on and maybe find something, be it love, simply purpose or something else entirely. I've posted on the personals sub but I found that easier for some reason. Probably because deep down I knew I wasn't going to get a response. I just want to engage in a positive discussion on here or on the Discord with somebody but that's kinda hard when you have no precance. I can't just stand in the corner of a room and pray that someone starts a conversation with me because on here both people have to make themselves visible, which is what I get scared of.

I should probably add some personal context here. It should hopefully help figure out the enigma that is me. I was a somewhat weird kid during primary school which inevitably meant I was bullied for on/off throughout the entirety of high school (5 years) which peak in a series of events I don't like to talk about with strangers. I then went through the 2 years of sixth form in a state of mental weirdness. High school was still hanging over my head as it was very recent but also the fact that pretty much everyone who went to high school also went to my sixth form so it wasn't the fresh start that I wanted. Flash forward to my first year of university, which has kinda just ended now due to what's going on in the world. I went into university a loner and left still a loner. I just can't come out of my shell. I've always felt pretty damn worthless as well and pointless as well, to the point where I feel like stuff I say or do is ignored because I said or did it.

And to be honest I doubt whether I'm even valid here. I'm more masculine than feminine by a long way. I'm not bisexual. I'm not a femboy. I'm pretty much a normal guy who just want's to be held and loved. I want to be held against someone's chest and told that it will all be ok and that I'm loved, which aside from my family i've never really had. You've heard of kissless virgins well I'm a hugless virgin. Never been romantically hugged before.

I just want to be told that I'm welcomed here. I just want to move past my problems and be able to talk with confidence and not get overwhelmed and scared. I also hope I can help others with this

Late morning the next day update - Thanks for your kind words, you guys are amazing. I'm going to try and participate more here