Hi. You said once that you were a curious person, so who knows whether you'll find your way back here sometime? So I'll leave this here, just in case.

Just because I have things to say, and no one to say them to. No way to contact you. And it might help me process things by putting them into words.

I want you to know that I’m doing ok. I don’t want you to worry about me or feel guilty about anything. Yes, it hurt a bit for a while after you came back and went away again so quickly, but that’s not your fault. My emotions have always been quick, strong and fluctuating… I’ve learned that that’s a common symptom of ADHD, because the brain doesn’t regulate emotions effectively, just as it struggles to regulate and direct attention (which also might be why I would so often get lost in rambling to you!) So they come and go and that’s just the way it is.

So I couldn’t help but get all excited when I heard from you again, making myself so vulnerable and opening up so quickly, and I couldn’t help feeling a bit stupid and hurt afterwards. And I have to go through that process of feeling these things very strongly to let them pass. To move on.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t respect your decisions or the way you feel. I think I do, and I definitely try. Sometimes it’s easy to have such strong feelings for a person, to like them so much, that you are a little bit blinded to reality, you lose sight of things and get caught up in the excitement and emotion. Maybe you forget that because of circumstances it’s not likely to work out for very long. That it’s ok for it to be something that doesn’t last. To not try to make it more than what it happened to be.

So it’s enough for something to be good for a while, to enjoy the moment, and then let it come to an end. Because things are always complex, and nothing is ever going to work out perfectly. Our lives are messy and full of compromise and imperfection and difficult decisions about what to prioritise, what to let go and what works for us as individuals to any given time. Our needs are tied to the present, to particular periods of our lives as we grow and change, and that’s ok. I hope that I was a positive part of your life, as you were of mine.

And I definitely don’t want you to feel guilty or regretful about coming back. Because, despite the short term pain, I really did appreciate hearing from you again. Knowing that you’re doing ok and to hear some of the things that you appreciated the time we spent together. I hope you still do. If nothing else, I want to be able to look back on it in a positive way, because it was definitely positive for me.

And there is never going to be a time when I am anything other than happy to hear from you. I am always here if you need someone to talk to, someone to listen. Whatever. I don’t care. I can’t emphasise enough that you are a person who I like and respect, whose company and personality I enjoy, and nothing else really matters to me.

I really liked hearing that you felt that I’d helped you grow in some way, because on reflection I think that was one of my favourite things about the time we spent together. Seeing you grow in confidence, to seem so comfortable with yourself, to explore different aspects of your personality and let them really shine through… it was such a privilege to be a part of. And yes, maybe I’m a little bit jealous that I won’t get to see the person you'll become, because you’re already amazing and I just know that as you grow you’ll just get ever more irresistible and wonderful. But maybe that's just me wanting what I can't have ;)

Part of what makes me sad, though, is the thought of just being an anonymous space in your memory. Just being a voice and a name to you, with nothing much tangible to tie any memories of me to… I think I’m just afraid that those memories and feelings will fade too fast, be lost forever… I don’t know what sort of mental image you formed of me, or how you think of me now, but I can’t help but feel like I would be happier to know that you had something to remember me by. I took a picture of myself, and I’ve been debating whether - and how – to share it with you. I guess I’ll just mention it here and let you decide, if you ever come back here. If it’s something you would like. But it’s up to you.

I also recorded a few things, now and again, ostensibly as messages to you but in reality more as a way of getting my own thoughts and feelings in order and process them for myself. And I swing back on forth on whether to share them or not, and it kind of varies based on my mood. But now and again I might post little bits of what I’ve recorded, maybe in comments here, just in case you ever want to hear my voice again, or listen to me, without having to give anything in return. And I don’t mind that, really. As long as you bear in mind that since my mood and my thoughts are so constantly shifting, nothing I ever record really feels like ‘me’, or that it captures the complexity of how I really feel. So everything is just a little snapshot of the way I was thinking and feeling at that time, and nothing is ever quite the full picture, I guess.

Sometimes I feel silly for getting too caught up in my own head and overthinking things and saying too much, and at other times I listen to myself after I’ve forgotten about whatever I was talking about, and I don’t always sound as incoherent as I feared. So I’m not always sure how to feel. Like I told you, I tend to doubt myself sometimes. You helped give me confidence, which is something I really do value and appreciate.

That’s enough for now. I hope you’re doing ok, and that you can be at ease with yourself and still value the time we spent together. I miss you and that’s ok. Because you gave me so much joy and I learned so much from you.

Thank you, N.