Trigger warning : mention of drinking, addiction tendencies and sexual trauma

I have hit 28, and made appointment with doctor over serious mental health but it is difficult to hold on even with support from friends

Grief still from both grandmother death in the same year and slowly but surely making contact with paternal family (who have been supportive and also aware of how bad my father is) so opening old wounds I realsied I have a history of sexual harassment and sexual coercion (the coercion by someone who I called friend but he was always pushing my boundaries to uncomfortable levels) is taking a toll on me with more trauma, and doesnt help with history of bad relationships make me feel Hypervigilant and punch any man who touches me (I'm gay man)

I have left religion due to religious trauma but I still get that feeling of wanting someone to absolve my pain to heal me, forgive me even when I do believe in No God, but it's hard tI escape the habit My habit seems similar to wanting to drink (ot alcoholic but wanting to ease stress) to smoke, to have random sex and even now pray just to stop hurting It feels funny that those things have common theme