I’m currently spending a week with a BFF (49) from out of state. She’s been dating a guy (54) for about two years, whom I’ve met a few times, but spent quite a lot of time with, like on a week long vacation together with them, my husband, and me last July, several days so far this trip, etc.

A few things keep nagging at me, but then a few other things don’t support my fears. She trusts him 100% and has zero doubts. She knows what worries me, but stands firm with zero doubts.

The background given to her is that his ex-wife is bipolar and off meds, so currently acting very, very volatile. The ex cheated on him, and then he cheated on her, but the kids only know about his cheating and are team mom, to the point that his daughter in her 30s won’t even speak to him; his son, also 30s, asked him to attend his wedding mass, but not reception, etc. His other son, 30s, is closest to him, but still never spoke with or met my friend.

• He rarely sleeps over her place; comes almost every evening and weekend, but almost always sleeps at home. He says he doesn’t want to bother her with his snoring, which she has assured him isn’t bad at all. This just seems like something a man would have gotten over by the two year mark.
• She’s never met his adult children. He asks her to stay home when he visits them because if the ex shows up he doesn’t want to subject my friend to the scene that will ensue.
• He asked her to block his ex on all social media. Again, says he doesn’t want to subject my friend to what will ensue.
• She hasn’t met any of his friends, including a female roommate he had for months. He claims he doesn’t have any fiends (all chose the ex-wife), and that the roommate was no longer a friend, had gone psycho and refused to move out. (She did message my friend often saying they were together, sent my friend a picture of her wearing a shirt my friend bought for the guy, etc.) The guy 1. didn’t tell my friend the woman was still living there and 2. said she broke into his room to steal the shirt, but didn’t seem appropriately perturbed by this at all. That woman is gone now, confirmed by my friend, who hangs out at his house every now and then, but no where near as often as he is here.
• The son who is closest to him will be in town here for a few days prior to a cruise. My friend told her boyfriend to invite them to stay at her home (more room/more guest rooms). He didn’t extend the invite, but gave reasons himself why a hotel is better. I expect him to have excuses again for why she can’t meet them while they’re in town.

I know this may not seem like a lot, but too many things remind me of a relationship I was in and ultimately found out that my guy had another serious GF in another state for over two years. In my case, my guy DID a stay over from Tuesday night through to Sunday night every week while working in my town and was only ever gone Monday and Tuesday, at his home, two hours away, taking care of clients there. After almost a year, when he was still making excuses to prevent me from meeting any of his family or friends, he did something VERY suspicious, at which point, I did snoop around his apartment. I found everything from hastily hidden pictures, cards, etc., to phone bills talking with her every night. I confronted him and called her. She said they only saw each other 2-4 days a month and she believed he was just that busy. We both dumped him immediately.

The only difference - and this is where I am confused - this boyfriend does spend holidays with my friend. The guy I was dating always had excuses for those, too, which added to my suspicions.

So, I’m a little afraid that my friend isn’t his only relationship, and a lot afraid that he’s keeping her from communicating with the ex and kids for a reason.

The only other things that may matter are: - My friend just ended a long marriage where the husband verbally abused her and tanked her confidence, and she gave him way too much leeway, too. She adores my husband, and after she dated this boyfriend for a while, she ecstatically said to me, “I’ve found my [husband’s name]!” This is the only guy she dated after her marriage ended and yes, he’s a dream compared to the ex… but I’m afraid it’s keeping her from questioning what I’m questioning. - My friend makes significantly more money than the boyfriend does, has invited him to move from his “falling down around him” rental to her nice home, and he isn’t making any move towards that so far.

Thoughts, please?