Please don't roast me I'm feeling kind of vulnerable to post this. But would also really appreciate honesty.

So I'm a woman in my mid 30s and I've been single for almost like 7 years now. It didn't use to bother me and I enjoyed it for awhile too. I haven't even kissed a guy in like 5 years (or had sex in like 6) but I've probably been on 10ish dates in the last 5 years. I wasn't interested in any. I know everyone around me thinks this is weird and thinks there is something wrong with me because I'm not really the type of person you'd expect this from. I am objectively very beautiful, I'm thin, I'm 5'8'', I'm funny, kind, interesting, outgoing, talented, very educated from a top university, etc. This isn't a looks thing or a socially awkward thing or I'm a boring person. I even modeled in my 20s for pretty big brands. I always had men interested in me, I never went longer than like 4ish months without at least a "fling" and I dated a few men longterm who were also objectively desirable. They were wealthy, interesting, successful, nice, and with one I even had to keep him at arms length from my 'close' friends because of how wealthy he was. My point I'm really trying to make is that I am not someone anyone would think would be single for 6 or 7 years. It's shocking when people find out (I usually lie and say 3 or 4 and people are like wtf??) and if I wanted a boyfriend I could have one.
What happened was basically that I had some sort of a mental breakdown 6ish years ago. Not like Britney Spears status but it was pretty bad. I still to this day cannot put a finger on what exactly went wrong but I think I was repressing a lot of childhood trauma. Growing up I was extremely ambitious, type A, competitive, etc. - I was one of those like "she's gonna go so far" type people. My first boyfriend broke up with me and it was very serious for being so young. We dated for five years and my lifestyle completely changed after that (he was from a very wealthy family) and I had a lot of abandonment type trauma from him and it clearly triggered tons of issues from the past. I had a lot of depression growing up (and an attempt that put me in the ward lol), my parents fought a lot and around my time in college is when I found out my dad was a closeted gay man. Even though I was going to the best university and I was hustling and ambitious, I was struggling. I was partying not alone but on the weekends very hard. I was modeling/acting and so I struggled with eating stuff. There was just a lot going on under the surface and I didn't have therapy etc. Then I met my 1st bf and I was smitten, it became very serious and I even got pregnant bc I was never really taught about safe sex bc my mom was so conservative but didn't keep it. I think when I broke up with him everything just spiraled and although I tried for a year to keep it together, but didn't work. I ended up really starting to drink when I was alone, I ended up in AA, in the ward a few times, I lost all my friends basically, my upward career, and I ended up in therapy centers etc for like a good 4 years. I have so much history to write a memoir at this point (seriously).

Now I'm in my mid 30s and I really DO want a relationship. I feel like I missed out on like 6 years of life because of all the treatment stuff but my life is blossoming. I'm 5 years sober. I am just starting to move up in my career that I had to completely rebuild. But the one thing that I just haven't realllyyyyyy approached is relationships. I'm VERY scared to get hurt and I don't want things to unravel again. I'm so so ashamed of how long I haven't been in a relationship, had sex, been kissed etc. especially because I've only had two (serious) relationships. I feel like a freak and weirdo and everyone who knows my history is like dude it's ok, but to the 99% who don't I just know I am seen as a weirdo. Because well, it is NOT the norm, that's the truth. And it's even weirder because I'm not someone who "should" be having this issue. I'm beautiful, in shape, funny, etc. I'm at an age where people are getting married, having children, etc. and I'm so scared to be kissed even. The idea of being alone in a car with a man really scares me or like a kiss after a date. I mean you can imagine with this amount of time with no sex how scary it is. I've gone on dates but I'm so used to being along now that if I'm not like OMG then I just don't care. I also cancel a LOT of them because it feels not worth it. If I'm being honest, I don't feel worthy either because I feel like no one will like me if they knew my history. Of course I wouldn't reveal my life right away, but it's so hard for me to imagine someone understanding this. I feel like any man would be like omfg this chick must be insaneeee, but it's just not the case :( things are not so black/white in life. I know people say "the right person will love you just as you are" blah blah blah. I want a partner (finally) but on dates I have anxiety. Especially not drinking it's not like I'm going to have that buffer. With men on the day to day, I'm outgoing funny etc. but when it gets to a date and it's suddenly the fact they may touch me, kiss me, etc. I shrink with fear. I feel like a baby or child who doesn't know what they're doing. It is so weird. Has anyone else had a dry period (like a really long one) and got back out there again? How did you get over that discomfort and fear? How did you go about hooking up with someone again for the first time? Did you tell them your past? Any input would be great.
Thanks <3