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Hello darlinks,
There's a notion amongst some kinky people, that when you meet somebody new, you ought to be able to approach their ex-partners and ask for the low-down. I'd like to know your thoughts on this.
I believe it's fine if you're looking to hook up with someone for what are essentially play dates. It makes sense to ask a few questions around safety, and skill sets, of those they've had other play dates with. This works well for what I call "scene people" - those who are striving to live their best kinky life. Who, when they're not giving a class on shibari safety, are guest speaker at the Needle Lover's Munch, or sending out invites to the Goth Horrors Dungeon Halloween Extravaganza. Quite how they ever find the time to detangle their ropes is beyond me.
I think the same idea is of much less use to people who pursue long term, romantic led, largely (but not necessarily) monogamous relationships, which feature BDSM. The various dynamics amongst such people may range from bedroom only, to 24/7 TPE. What unites them, is that they're not looking to involve anybody else. Either directly, or indirectly. They've made a decision to make kink a part of their life, but not their hobby. They've never been to an event, and never will. Often, such people think they're the minority, but they are in fact the vast majority.
If I'm entirely honest, I suspect the first group of people are not entirely honest. For no other reason than they're human. If you know that of Barry, Liz, Parminda, and Simon, only Simon knows about your substance abuse problem, it might be tempting to leave him off the list. Likewise, if Liz is the only one of the four who you sexually assaulted, maybe you choose not to give her details. The more I consider this system of references, the less it holds up to scrutiny.
I've seen it said that it should be regarded as a major red flag, if anyone is unwilling, or unable, to provide references. I think this is quite damaging to that second group of people. If Kevin and Shamima were married for twenty-three years, but parted on way less than amicable terms, who is going to be their referee?
I think there's a big disconnect in kink, between the scene people, and the 'unscene'. Often, the internet is the only thing which brings them together. Personally, I'd like the scene people to stop talking as if everyone walks in their shoes, but perhaps that's just me.
I'd love to hear your thoughts. As ever, I'm not just looking for people who agree with me. I genuinely think we learn more from people who have opposing views, than we do from sitting in an echo chamber.
If you're brave enough, what are two things an ex partner might say about you, if asked to give a reference? One good, one bad. Here's mine:
Good: from a kink perspective, he really understands what makes you tick.
Me: Yes, this is true. I want to live in your head.
Bad: He thinks he's perfect, and blames you for any suggestion to the contrary.
Me: This is ridiculous. I completely blame them for creating the idea that I might somehow be at fault here.
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