As a Dominant, I have many views and opinions on the things I am told from submissive in the community (both friends and play partners at times), from other Doms, both experienced and new and I can honestly say there is no universal “Do these 5 things and you will be amazing” way to be, A good Dominant. The reason for this article was not to highlight my grandeur or to denigrate others who don’t subscribe to my way of working. I wanted to write this as it is, in my OPINION, the best way to be the dominant that YOUR SUBMISSIVE needs.

My introduction to Kink, BDSM and D/s came from a need to fulfil my partners needs, I am very driven professionally, sexually, and romantically to fill a need be it big or small. My partners would often express their NEED to be submissive or Dominant in the bedroom which often contrasted their day-to-day life. Are they always in control with lots of responsibility? Then perhaps they needed to feel out of control and let things happen to them, rather than being the one to make the decisions. If they have a relatively low-pressure life, they may seek a feeling of power and control. I would always try to give them the experiences they craved – and not because I am such a wonderful person, because I derived pleasure and sensation from their pleasure. You could call it a purely selfish way to get your kicks, but I have yet to have any complaints.

When taking on my first submissive, I must confess that I had all the theory and none of the practical. I had studied, read, watched what I could but that only gave me ideas and concepts, but I needed to know more and the best teacher I could possibly ask for was sat right beside me. So, I do what I always do and what I encourage you all to do also. Be you sub, Dom, Switch, or any other combination these things may work for you.

 The first thing to understand (As I view it) Being a Dominant is a SERVICE role.

Now it doesn’t matter if you Dom style is to be this force of power, always obeyed and never talked back to! – that is 100% a fine way to be PROVIDED that it is what your submissive craves and you have agreed it TOGETHER. There is a massive difference between Dominant & Domineering.

The first Question I would ask any submissive looking to play with me is: Tell me what makes you feel submissive. Sounds like an obvious question but it is the question that sparks 10 more. The important thing to remember is not the what but the why. They may find rope makes them feel submissive – why? Being spanked or slapped makes me feel submissive – Why? Being on my knees makes me feel…. You get my point. Knowing the Why means that you are the dominant can build and craft from that point, it’s a feeling you are trying to evoke not just an action. You submissive may already know from previous partners or Doms, what work with them and that brings me to my second point.

 The second thing is, just because it worked for Submissive A. does not mean it will work for Submissive B.

To paraphrase a different quote for a totally different subject * If you have met one person’s submissive needs, you have met ONE person’s submissive needs*. Not all subs are made equal, some like to play soft, others….. seriously hard. For some pain may be a punishment or for others it’s a release they crave. Your job as the Dom, is to know which is which and to apply the right amount of each to remain in control and fulfil the need at the time.

 The third, check in – Often!

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There is a sad habit of some Doms I am aware of that do all the right things in the beginning and then…. The lustre loses its shine and things fall into BAU. You are going through the motion and maybe just disengaged. I’m sorry to say that is not allowed, I realise that time can get the better of us all and I am certainly not advocating for ditching your real life to go and life the kinky life of your dreams …. Ish. But you must check in often, if things are hard for you and you don’t have the head space for some of the things you would normally do, that is fine, provided you communicate that. A subs worst fear can often be that they are not a good enough sub for you, that you will lose interest in them and ultimately reject them. This is SO IMPORTANT to remember. If you agree to take on a submissive that is a responsibility that holds as much weight as every other intimate relationship you hold.

 The Fourth, Aftercare is AS IMPORTANT as anything else you do.

Aftercare, if you are not aware is how your submissive reconnects with themselves, the world and YOU after you have performed a scene. For example: you have slapped, spat on, bruised, told them they are a piece of shit and worthless and then fucked them so hard in the ass and left them in a crumpled heap on the floor after. This is 100% fine (provided it is part of your dynamic and agreement) But let’s be honest, that sounds pretty intense physically and emotionally, so your submissive will probably need some aftercare and it is STILL YOUR JOB to provide it. It could be a bath, a cup of tea, a cuddle and just let them know they are ok and safe, and they did a good job. What ever it is, you need to know it, understand it (the Why) and facilitate it. Sub drop is a real and horrible thing. So don’t inflict it on someone in your care.

 And the fifth, this is a two-way street.

Something that lots of D/s dynamics forget is that this is a two-way street, an equal give and take. Some D/s dynamics fall into the “parent child” relationship (Note DD/lg is not what I mean). Too often ALL the responsibility to make sure everything is done, taken care of, plan, organised and executed is the responsibility of the Dom. Surprise! It’s not. These dynamics are carefully curated to ensure that you BOTH get something out of it and that it benefits YOU both. If that balance is out of whack, then it should be talked about right back to basics if need be.

P.s you can swap Dom and sub though out this entire article, and it would still be true.

 A submissive should know what and why certain things make your Dom feel Dominant.

 A submissive should know what the needs and wants of their Dom is and try to fulfil them

 A submissive should check in with their Dom, often.

 A Dominant also needs Aftercare. Dom Drop is as real as sub drop. Intense scenes need to be addressed by both parties so they can feel like themselves again. A Dom going to a dark place FOR their sub is still taking them away from what they feel like is them.

 If a Dom, does not feel supported and encouraged by their sub then they will never grow, and you will never grow together.

I hope this resonates and remember. D/s is a journey, don’t take it alone.