I want to get into a headspace where I want to surrender, where I don’t have to think, where I don’t have the feeling of resistance or fear or insecurity. I want to be able to let go and be present, be in a headspace where I can just fall into a state of no decision making. Where I can trust whatever happens is the best for me and feels good because yes it will be the best. Nothing I wouldn’t like will happen, nothing that would make me uncomfortable would happen. I want to feel fully comfortable and safe. Free from overthinking or outside expectations, free from my own pressure and need of control. Quiet mind, body responses. I don’t mean submission as in obedience and servitude. I don’t want to be owned, I don’t want to be used, I don’t want to obey. These things feel like giving up part of me… no, I want the freedom and trust, the peace that comes with it. No hesitance, reservation, logic, or conventions. I want to find good in the guidance and space.

I don’t think I’m ready for that though. There are too many walls in my head, too much need for control, too little trust in anyone but myself. I push back, I protect myself and prevent certain vulnerabilities. And I notice how the submission is still questioned by me all the time. I want a reason, a valid and good one, not just because. And I need to feel that reason every time again. But I’m exploring and getting closer and it feels good. Testing things, getting to my boundaries and trusting more, sometimes stretching my limits a tiny bit to see how far I want to go. Giving and receiving pleasure in these moments of vulnerability but security provide a lot and I’m glad I can experience them more and more. And it gives a feeling of belonging. Not belonging as in owning, but belonging as in it connected together in union, togetherness. A place to be. Something that needs to grow slow and steady over time for me but that’s exactly what I’m doing right now and it feels good. I’m grateful for the experience and opportunity. I can define my own submission and it’s exciting to figure this out.