Esther Perel is a psychotherapist who writes, speaks, and facilitates to help people improve their sex lives. I love this article, Unlocking Erotic Intelligence: Advice from Esther Perel and want to highlight a few things! Definitely give the whole article a read, but I’ve pulled out what I’ve found most impactful.

In a nutshell, her thesis is this: intimacy in relationships is frequently – and inexplicably – the enemy of sex. The intimacy Perel’s referring to is the romantic ideal of semi-conjoined couples who believe that love means quashing mystery in favor of sweet companionship. In order for couples to remain interested in one another, they require distance, transgression, surprise, and play. We must be able to stand back from our partners, to view them as separate, mysterious people, for them to remain objects of our desire.

In this interview, she discusses the things that get in the way of a fulfilling sex life.

You can’t play when you’re vigilant. You can’t play when you’re anxious. You can’t play when you’re fearful. You can’t play when you don’t trust.

This makes so much sense. I feel like much of the things impeding a great sex life are all boiled down into too much vigilance, fear, or distrust. If either partner is encumbered by these things, the sheets cool down.

I see couples who want more sex (certainly) but mainly want to connect with the quality of renewal and liveness and playfulness that sex used to afford them. ...Basically I work at how they beat back deadness, which I think is the prime reason for affairs.

Everyone can be the master of their own domain. But renewal, vitality, playfulness? Those things don’t happen in solo sessions. Those things are what make great sex great sex.

Many times it isn’t so much that you want to leave your partner, as you want to leave who you have become. And it isn’t so much that you’re looking for another person as that you’re looking for another self. (You want) to reconnect with lost parts of you or to discover new parts of you.

I maintain that relationships aren’t just about the person we connect with… it’s about who we can be, who we can become, what we get to do/see as ourselves when with them. As we lose our independence with our significant others, as we consistently rely on the same strengths and combat the same weaknesses and fulfill the same roles, it becomes possible to get bored with ourselves. We tire of who we are around them if we don’t protect some independence, some mystery.

You want to make (your partner) someone that you’re curious about... I actually believe that people never fully know the other if they stay curious.

This makes so much sense to me as someone with a penchant for curiosity. If you’re struggling to stay curious about your partner, which doesn’t make sense to me, I think it can help to consider how you don’t even really fully know yourself. Knowing yourself, even though you ARE yourself, is a tall order. What really motivates you? What really makes you tick? What are your truest downfalls? What things mean most to you? How do you make decisions? What are your blind spots? What are the best and worst things that you do, and could do? To think you know all of this about yourself is a little preposterous, because it’s impossible to see yourself clearly and objectively and therefore truthfully. It’s also a little preposterous to assume you know another person this fully… and even if you feel you do, people change. Look at your person with wonder and curiosity.

When are you most drawn to your partner? When I see my partner passionate about something, when I see my partner in his element, when I see my partner on stage, when I see my partner talking to other people, when I see other people attracted to her or to him, when he plays with the kids... when she makes me laugh, when he surprises me, when he’s vulnerable, or when she’s vulnerable. [It’s when] you see their wholeness. You see them as not needy and you see them radiating.

I’ve found this in my relationship, going both ways. It’s not simply about wanting something that isn’t focused on you, it’s wanting something that is dynamic rather than stagnant. We forget that our people are more than ours… we need to see them as people.

It’s when you look at them as a separate unit. [One that is] already so familiar and so known but that is momentarily illusive and mysterious... So there’s still something to discover, so that you remain fundamentally interested in the other person. To want to have sex with them over the long haul, to want to enter them, is to also remain interested in them.

I think this is also why being physically attracted and attractive to your partner is so important, in addition to all the great stuff she discusses.

You know, I think America likes transparency. Americans really believe that honesty is a confessional cure, and intimacy means wholesale sharing. But maybe intimacy is the actual ability to keep things for yourself. Many other cultures do not necessarily equate intimacy with transparency.

The way we talk about subtle sex appeal in fashion applies elsewhere.

When a woman wants a man to ravish her, what she is actually after is two things that are crucial to experiencing excitement and pleasure. One is her narcissistic affirmation that she is irresistible–and his persistence is a proof of that... Second is that it makes [men] not be needy… If care-taking is the biggest impediment in women, the predatory fear is the biggest fear in men.

Makes total sense!

The three most important relational factors in male sexuality are the fear of rejection, the fear of performance incompetence, and the fear [of] whether she likes it or not.

Also makes perfect sense!

So… what are your thoughts about her comments and assertions? What have you found to be true for yourself in your own or others’ experiences? What would you like to know more about? What kinds of things does this prompt you to test out in order to improve your relationship?