I've come to realize something that is unfortunate for my romantic life and why I've given up on dating.

I've noticed that I'm toxic due to my lack of experience in a romantic relationship as well as my fear of being rejected, lack of communication, being screamed and yelled at, as well as being afraid of losing someone I love, my overthinking behavior, and my struggle to carry on a conversation. a lot of this comes from a "rocky" childhood along with the environment I grew up in as well as my generation.

I'm afraid of being screamed and yelled at because growing up, I was yelled at and punished for the littlest of things by a parental figure. Some may call it discipline, others will call it something else and I can and will care less about that.

Due to these things, I lack communication skills with people that I have feelings for and I become submissive, quiet, and complacent with anything and everything because I am in constant fear of "being hit" and being screamed at. If it's something I don't like/want to do, I will speak up about it. However if there is any degree of an aggressive tone, I will submit out of fear or walk away.

I do plan on working on overcoming my fears and overthinking behavior with friends I do have and cease looking for love until I feel that I'm ready to take on a relationship, however there's still that fear of rejection that I have grown accustomed to and have accepted that this will happen when I try to date someone that I would like to date.

In today's day and age, women in my generation are setting hypocritical, unrealistic and impossible standards for us men and the invalidation and disregard of how a man can express his emotions. My own mother said that "a man's emotions are valid" but then questions my manhood when I let my walls down. Same thing when it comes to society. Even a strong person needs someone he can lean on to have his weak moments and be able to trust their partner to not question and validate the man's emotions. Feminism today is toxic and I'm not afraid to say that. Feminism back then is something I can, will, and forever back up because back then, it was about equality. Now it's about privilege and hypocrisy and it's sad to say that I believe that this is where it all ends. (No, I'm not talking about unaliving myself or anyone)

I'm not looking for nor want the "you'll find someone eventually", "there's plenty of fish in the sea" or, "love will find you when you least expect it". Please accept it as it is. I just want this to be known.