There are two versions of this profile, to peruse at your heart’s desire: i) the sales pitch; or ii) (attempted) introspective honesty expressed in too many dependent clauses and with abundant em-dashes. Hopefully either one of these interests you, or resonated with you. There will be a third humorous version coming to an incognito browser window near you in the (not so near) future, but there’s nothing worse than a half-hearted attempt at being funny — this being the best example. You can’t rush mediocrity.

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Version 1 — The Infomercial

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to be the first human on Mars? Were you ever devastated that you weren’t ever the first person to claim a little parcel of unspoiled land for Queen, country and yourself? For the extended foreseeable future, you have the once-in-every-second-reddit-post opportunity to contact this needy but almost entirely inexperienced 6’3 male sub, willing to try most things. Being inexperienced has two benefits for you: you receive an impressionable sub, whom you can mold according to your desires, and you’ll be able to tick off many bucket-list items, and see that very particular joy on his face (unless you’re sitting on it). The limited-edition sub is 6’3 tall, fit, hung, with looks mistaken for that of similar/better looking Italians from time to time. Don’t miss this opportunity to leave your mark before its too late.

Offer limited to participating locations (first in public, later in private); not limited to one use per customer. This offer can be combined with other offers. Only while supplies last, i.e. until someone foolishly claims this sub exclusively as theirs or desires change

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Version 2 — The attempt at introspection

When I began this kink journey — which makes it seem much extensive than it is, as I’ve barely scratched the surface in reality — I used to question why I felt this desire to submit to someone else (not to mention the occasional post orgasm ‘shame’ for being submissive as a guy, which felt different to the norm).

I think the answer revolves around control — and since I’m (virtually) always in control in my life, I want a change of scenery. To illustrate:

I’m 6’3, fit, often described as mysterious, and hopefully somewhat handsome. I always did well at school, and today have a couple of rather prestigious degrees, in analytical fields. Without wanting to complain about it, there often seems to be a presumption that this makes me rational, ‘alpha’, strong, or in control in all walks of life. It is an expectation that I hold myself to, and usually, I am — and I like it that way! I never think with my heart, usually with my head, and only rarely with my genitals ;) Even when going out, I tend to be in control as the ‘mom’ of the group; every friend's group has and indeed needs one (although hopefully a fun mom).

But as I’ve slowly discovered, I don’t always want to be that, and I am not always able to. I crave to give up that control — not having to make choice, or rationally calculate whether something is or is not good. I want someone else to lead me, whether it be to pleasure or pain, as long as I don’t get to decide (or, stealing from Gatsby, I want to be a beautiful little fool (I also want to steal Leo’s closet from that movie but that’s neither here nor there)).Not having a choice means I won’t have to be rational anymore, and I will feel free(er). That's the thinking anyways.

Now I want to test that theory — and this is where I need you.

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I’m not looking for anything too high protocol or 24/7 for now, and am happy to switch it up — and I’m sure we can agree on the finer details later. A list of kinks I’m into, or at least keen to try is below.

I hope the promise of purportedly good company (whether it be for a drink, museum, munch, or your inbox). the word vomit above, and exceptional pillow talk (should it come to that) convinces you to send me a message, even if just to remark on this unremarkable piece of writing.

Remember, insert your favourite smart-arse quote about regret here, e.g. “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”, or “Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do”.