Things weren't enjoyable for the past several months. We were hardly intimate for the past two years. Now it's over.

This is good news for you, because I'm vulnerable, horny, and eager to meet people without setting some high bar.

I’d very much like to not think about the hot dumpster fire that is my love life for the next couple of days.

So here’s the deal.

I'm free most mornings and afternoons this week in the western suburbs of Chicago, though I can travel most anywhere within reason. I want to meet you, kiss you, go down on you, and then go down on you again.

Do I need reciprocation? If you ever try to offer it, I will punish you by just eating you out again. (This time from behind while you're on your hands and knees.)

It would be great to meet someone who's fun to talk to and a great kisser... but screw it. If you're hygienic and just need a release, you're in luck. If you want to run errands with a new friend, only to have me eat you out in a bathroom whenever you feel like it, I'll obey your commands. If you want to be rimmed, I will listen. If you aren't groomed/shaven, I promise you I don't give a damn.

Just let me work my tongue between your thighs.

Let me hear you moan and shudder.

Let me tease you until you can't take it anymore and you just shove my face between your legs.

Invite me over, don't say a word, open your robe, and tell me what to do.

Or if you prefer safety over recklessness, let me get you lunch or drinks and convince you I'm not weird... then invite me over and let me use my fingers and tongue on you simultaneously.

Do you prefer toys? Let me assist you. I'll hold the vibrator while my tongue works around it.

If any of this intrigues you, here are my rules:

• No asking about my ex unless I bring it up.
• We use protection if anything more than oral happens.
• You send a picture and your schedule. I can host or travel.

Help my make use of my newfound freedom.