tl;dr: This sub's culture needs be one where we take agreements and consent seriously so everyone feels safe and gets what they want

I met someone last weekend, and both of us were looking for a no-reciprocation muff dive, which is exactly what happened. She wrote a success story about it, and ended by saying "and he just left after" (meaning I didn't ask for or get anything in return), A guy responded saying she was selfish for not reciprocating, even after she reminded him I preferred no reciprocation. Understandably, this comment really upset her, and she feels she may be pressured to do more than she agreed to in future muff dives. She didn't even have an actual bad experience, and yet this person is already making her question her safety. This is unacceptable!

We need to address the idea of making agreements, and keeping them, and make sure it's a part of this sub's culture. This is about consent, and pressuring someone into a sexual act they don't want to engage in could get you into legal trouble in some states. It also puts women in a very difficult position where they may feel an obligation, or even that their safety is compromised in that moment.

I've been on this sub for more than four years and I've talked to a lot of women here. The issue of men changing the plan once everyone's pants are off is a big one. I've had partners tell me the same thing over and over, that guys have tried to have sex with them after putting almost no oral effort, or that they felt pressured to do more than they agreed to. I've seen how this affects women.

We need to tell women it's OK to stick to your agreements. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO RECIPROCATE if that's not what you want.

As soon as a guy starts to show signs of breaking promises, you should kick him out or leave. For your own feeling of safety and control, you should also let someone know where you're going, and who you'll be with. AND you should tell him that. Make sure you have his name, a picture, and cell phone number. Asking for STI results can help insure he's who he says he is by matching the name. If you have an iPhone you can temporarily share your location with someone.

Maybe even send him a link to this post so he knows you're serious.

Since not everyone wants to advertise that they're heading off to a RAOMD, maybe we can create a buddy system here. If you've had a good experience with someone here, see if they'd be willing to be your RAOMD buddy. If you don't know anyone, I'd be happy to do it. But maybe the mods can set something up?

A note to the men: If you break your agreements, you're just chasing women away from engaging in these kinds of encounters, that both sexes really want. You're ruining it for everyone involved. Find someone who wants the same thing you do. She's out there. There are tons of women in RAOMD who reciprocate or want sex. In fact, my experience is that most of the women I've met here want to reciprocation (I'll address that bellow). If we create a safe, consent-oriented space for women, they will feel much more comfortable exploring and experimenting. In some cases she may want to test the waters with no reciprocation but then want to as she gets more comfortable. Maybe she'll never want to, and for someone like me, that's awesome.

I have one other thing to say to the women of RAOMD:

Consent goes both ways. For many of us divers, when we say I don't want reciprocation, not only do we really mean it, but it's an important part of the experience for us. It's why we're here and not on RAOBJ or DirtyR4R. You not reciprocating is huge turn on for me. But my own experience has been that most women I meet ask or try to reciprocate.

We all need to get on the same page and not send mixed signals. We need to ask for what we want, and respect others' limits. It's not alway binary, reciprocation vs. no reciprocation, but we should honestly be working this out before meeting with some questions like:

• Tell me about your boundaries and consent practices
• What's your take on women who say they don't want to reciprocate?
• What's your take on men who say they don't want reciprocation?
• How will you react if I have a really good time but leave without at least offering to reciprocate?
• Sometimes after a really good muff dive, I really want to give my partner a BJ, but it's rare.
• If I ended up really wanted to reciprocate, would you be open to it, or is this a hard limit for you?

Final note: I dated a woman I met on here for several months. We both still did RAOMDs while dating. When she had an experience that didn't go the way she'd expected, she would text him the next day. She'd tell him what he did was unacceptable and that she felt pressured to do things she didn't want to do, and that she left the meeting feeling badly about it.

The guys all seemed genuinely affected by that. I think in some cases both men and women don't understand how serious an issue this can be to their partner. I think texting someone to let them know you didn't feel safe enough to say no could have a huge impact on their future behavior.

If nothing else, they all admitted to their improper behavior and she had a record of it.