Yes, on both accounts? Great. I want to have a chat with you about your trucks extended warranty, then suck your dick* in it.

Truck: Preference for a higher bed-to-cab ratio, has a dulcet hum when you make it go vroom-vroom, tinted windows, is clean. Color, make and model not important.

You: Preference for 30s *, cut and groomed, ≤6-ish inches, non-smoker, nice hands/defined arms, pretty eyes, dark hair, a wry sense of humor, fit – listed in descending order of importance.

Me: 37 y/o, East Asian, 5’4”, 128lbs/hwp, fair, dark hair/eyes, attractive enough to get away with having a smart mouth, still attached to a licentious cunt that makes trouble for otherwise prudent owner, likes pick-up trucks**.**

Non-negotiables: You are licensed, insured, and in possession of a big pick-up truck, Genius. Goes both ways, excellent hygiene; disease and drug free, we’ll be exchanging recent, full panels.

Play by play:

Between Sept 18-20, about ten thousand self-aggrandizing, Patagonia-vest-wearing pricks are going to descend upon Boston for a conference under the guise of professional development. It’s a time to fuck around on company dime, yours truly included.

People want to be here - it’s sold out, but I know better; this is a three day, in-person LinkedIn circle-jerk hellscape. I’m already gagging and rolling my eyes at the thought of participating in endless exchanges of grossly pretentious and insincere corporate pleasantries. I’d rather be gagging on a pretty cock and rolling my eyes when the fun messy thing between my legs feels nice. That’s precisely what I plan on and you’re going to help me.

Yeah. You’re going to pull up on me, in that big ole’ truck, all brawn and potential, ego inextricably tied to the gratuitous three-ton, steel and chrome paragon of masculine purpose. It suits you. You look fucking good together and you know it, I do too.

Then, to break the ice, you'll walk up to me and put me in your truck. No need for the formality of a handshake, I will likely have been subjected to six of those already, from the conference. You just pick me up and place me in the damn truck. You can do it, I weigh slightly over a buck and a quarter and you go harder than that on arm day.

While you’re driving us to a specific parking garage with a view, you have license to get to know me by feeling me up through my clothes. Go, go, all gas, no brakes. Figuratively, please do keep your prized truck and the passengers within it unscathed as we make our way.

When we arrive, I’ll be mussed up enough to get my face in your lap. There will be no theatrics, no mimicking a jackhammer, no gruff head holding and no face painting while I uphold my end of this arrangement. Instead, you’ll periodically give me soft head pats, stroke my hair, offer filthy words of encouragement like “work hard for Daddy’s cum” and make growly noises when you enjoy what my tongue is doing. Gentle degradation is welcomed, if you can pull off the subtleties of being condescending and patronizing (that’s when you talk down to someone like you’re smarter than them. Did you catch that? Goood job, aren’t you just the cleverest?) – yeah, like that.

That's your part, now go ahead and sit back while I work my mouth on you until I’m a happy and dumb, cum-drunk, drooly little puddle with no coherent thoughts whatsoever.

You’ll be happy too, and empty.

When we’re done, you’ll return me to the conference center, I’ll thank you for the lobotomy and for refueling the fortitude I need to endure a long evening of industry happy hours and dinner.

We're going to do this on the 18th, and the 19th and again on the 20th.

You read all that? Still game?

Go on then, send me a picture of your truck. Also provide your availability on those days, afternoons work best for me. These daily interludes should run about an hour, roundtrip.

Tell me a bit about you, too? If you were on death row, what would your last meal bee? Favorite word, why? What's the APR on the truck loan? Pics of yourself on the onset will help expedite things, but I understand caution. I’ll return pics for pics to initiate correspondence, if interested. Then we can verify, hit it off, and have lots of zoom calls leading up to Sept 18th.

* ^{You noticed a footnote. This is directed at you if you're in your early-mid 20s. If for some reason we sync up, this is fair warning - things will not go down as described above. I’m sub-leaning (I know, it’s hard to tell, you really gotta break me in but your unfettered eagerness and amenability to suggestion turns me into a switch-y menace. I’d rather straddle your lap, whisper mean things and make you pump into my hands until you ruin yourself on my nice clothes. If you say ‘please’ prettily, whine and whimper and cryyy for me, I might finish you off properly. Doesn’t that sound fun? It’s okay, go with it, I know you can be such a good boy.})