Exactly one year ago today, I stepped into the living room in the morning and asked my husband "Do you see that, too? That second line?" I had a positive pregnancy test in hand. Technically, I had already had one the evening before - I had taken the test, it hadn't turned positive within two minutes and I had tossed it in frustration. An hour later, I took it out of the trash and it was positive. Since you aren't supposed to trust them after a few minutes, I decided to wait until morning to test again.

I slept two hours that night.

I had given up hope at that point. A miscarriage in December 2014, one in March 2015, one in October 2015, and then... nothing. I joined r/ttcafterloss in August 2016, but stopped posting after about two weeks - my depression was getting worse from focusing too much on getting pregnant. All tests had come up with nothing and the RE I started seeing in September couldn't find anything either. By December, my husband and I were facing a decision: proceed with something like IUI or stop altogether, maybe try again in two years when I'd hopefully be in a better mental state. We needed our lives back.

We had almost decided to stop trying, January was supposed to be the last cycle TTC. And then I was finally pregnant again, of course at the worst possible time, as doctor's offices often close from December 22 or so until January 2/3. But my ob/gyn and my RE both saw me that week. I got betas drawn. I told our families and canceled all Christmas plans. Two years prior to that, we had also not seen them - because my pain and bleeding from the first miscarriage had me lying in hospital.

And then the waiting began. Taking it one day at a time. I faked having had bleeding twice just to get additional ultrasounds. I bought a Doppler and forced myself to only use it every second day, sweating when it took longer than 20 seconds to find the baby's heartbeat. Slowly, we became more confident. I continued knitting the baby blanket I had started in pregnancy 2. We picked a name. Started buying little things. I finished knitting the blanket at 37 weeks, 10 days before my rainbow was born.

My pregnancy was tough, and r/ttcafterloss was my lifeline. My beautiful son was born on August 18 2017, and he's a happy, healthy baby.

Thanks everyone who was there for me, who celebrated balloon days with me 🎈🎈🎈 and calmed me down when I needed it. And especially those who walked a part or most of the path with me. ❤️