I started experiencing hand, palm, and finger pain about 4 days ago. I was in the prime of my creative hobbies.

I am a very creative person, and I have many hobbies. I draw, play 3-4 instruments, paint, sing, sew, crochet, and even bake. All of these require my hands.

I started a journal, as my therapist and partner had been suggesting. I struggle a lot with mental health issues, and I was down. I'm at that stage where you just get out of the toxic environment for good, and now have to heal from all the shit that you've been suffering with all your life. I just turned 18 May of last year and so I've been experiencing a lot of change very fast.

With this journal came ideas. So many ideas. A constant flow of creativity started to flow through me for the first time in years. I finally had a healthy way to just sit and daydream. And I loved it. I would write and draw all night, hours and hours on end. I'd put on a podcast and just go. I was planning on buying a drawing tablet next month and start on a graphic novel. Things were looking up. I'd never been so happy.

And then my thumb started to hurt like a bitch.

We wrapped it for a couple hours, thinking I bumped it or pulled something. I continued to draw that night. But then later that same night, my left hand hurt too. Why my left hand? I don't use my left hand for art? This could be carpal tunnel. (My aunt and my grandmother had to get surgery for rsi purposes)

My aunt never crocheted again.

This can't be happening to me, it can't. I finally found something I'm passionate about. Finally I feel happy and like I can have purpose, I had hope. And now I'm losing my hands, I'm losing my ability, I'm losing hope. I sobbed violently into my partners chest for hours, the biggest meltdown I've had in months.

It started to weigh on him too. Seeing me so hopeless, lifeless, crying constantly and struggling even to open the door at times. He cried in my arms, apologizing for not being able to take it away from me, he'd do anything to make it stop. It kills me to see him like this. I can't just sit around and mope but what more can I do?

We are planning to go to urgent care this coming afternoon but I fear the worst. I haven't touched a pencil in 4 days. I've been sitting around crying and wishing it was all okay and that I was better again.

What do I do? Is going to the doctor going to even help? Can I ever draw again? What does this mean for my future? What do I do to entertain myself without using my hands? I feel useless.

And TW: I'm suffering with self harm thoughts as well.

I need a miracle, how can I make it happen?