i broke up with my high school sweetheart multiple times over 10 years due to rOCD mainly. he was so sure about me and i would fixate on flaws and felt he deserved someone who was sure about him. he was finally done for good this year and i spent most of it healing and in DBT therapy programs.

i was feeling so regulated and not having significant anxiety. feeling better than i had in a long time.

i started to see a guy over a month ago and things have been going well. i really like him. the constant rumination has started but because he hasn’t made things official, the anxiety is more so about my flaws and not being good enough for him. every-time i feel unsure about something i said i look it up or ask a friend. i try to keep communication as low as possible as it stresses me out.

i feel so exhausted by this cycle. its so hard to focus on personal development when dating because of the rumination. it makes me just want to stop dating and be alone. the theme of the rOCD changes depending on the person/dynamic.