Idk this has been a thing for my brain: me being unable to do certain positions or help my bf guide his.. yknow (idk how to censor things/if I should) to my area to get it in = me being gay and not bisexual. Also I have been on nexplanon since October or so, so maybe that’s affecting it? But also some of this stuff )like being on top and eye contact) we’re things I couldn’t do even before birth control lol. Sex started in a backdoor spike of ocd for me. It felt great. Thought about it a bit “did I enjoy that? Do I feel guilt?” Yes I enjoyed it, maybe a little guilt cuz we are having sex before marriave (were both somewhat religious, him more so than me tho, he’s also Muslim)  

I can’t do on top. Like him flat and me perpendicular to him. If he’s sitting up it’s a bit easier. I think I get nervous cuz I don’t really know what I’m doing I kinda suck at the moving up and down thing. Idk if it’s my knees or me not getting the physics. Or insecurity. I kinda get the same thing when he’s trying to pose me lol. Idk what he’s asking me to do and I feel bad after. I’m also bad at posing/being sexy. I’m just?? Not that person ig? I’m really awkward lately. But i still do my best cuz it turns him on so k get turned on. Then we proceed. A good example of me getting in my head about posing was after we had just finished having sex and he asked me to pose in the fishnets I bought at Spencer’s cuz he wanted to see but I was anxious cuz I was already overthinking and had homework to do/exams to study for at the time. So the poses weren’t turning me on and were causing me anxiety.

 I think before my first event of ocd I was half decent at the teasing but now, I can’t do it as well. Like dirty talk in person I feel awkward sometimes. Before it used to turn me on more and now it just feels like words. Same goes for eye contact. Even tho it didn’t turn me on that much before. It was pre-sex eye contact that got me going. And that leads my brain to thinking: gay. He usually takes over during sex and I honestly enjoy that. Cuz it means I don’t have to think but my brain thinks it means I’m not being active/actively enjoying sex and therefore I’m gay. But I am actively enjoying it. I’m grabbing him. Kissing him. Etc. I do enjoy sex with him. I don’t fantasize about anyone/anything during it tho, just focusing on what he’s doing. Maybe less enjoyment than I used to cuz I’ve been so in my head it’s hard to enjoy sex when I’m numb. It still feels good but what if it doesn’t feel good enough and doing it with another man/a woman would be so much better? I don’t feel intense butterflies but it still feels fun to fuck. I’m worried there’s no emotional connection to it either? Idk if I’m feeling enough. That goes for even the romantic connection too actually. 

 What if I’m not enthusiastic enough? Do I find him/his body arousing or do I just enjoy his desire for me. I don’t get as flustered or turned on seeing him shirtless It’s still great and he’s still hot but it’s not this WOW OH MY GOD thing. Never really has been? Idk if it’s cuz I’ve never seen a guy shirtless. And it leads my brain to think I have never been flustered/excited about his appearance sexually or otherwise (when we go out on a date) Idk if it’s cuz he’s got a dad bod but then again, I don’t like buff dudes that much, light muscle is nice but overly gym rat dudes.. nah, which then leads my brain to “you’re gay lol” which no?? I like his body. I like touching and looking at it. It’s sexy, it’s hot. If we’re in the shower together I’ll make any excuse to touch his back/wash it for him lol. I remember being in the shower with him for the first time and being like oh my god I’m in the showe with him holy shit this is so nice oh my god it feels nice to be wrapped in his arms in the water. Oo his back looks nice like this- oH (leaning against the glass of the shower so I could wash his back). So why is my brain like “lol you’re gay!”  

I’ve always felt somewhat awkward during sex but maybe that’s cuz this is my first sexual relationship. It feels good tho. Natural and not uncomfortable. Maybe a bit weird cuz idk how to act? I also suck at eye contact. But I’m worried I’m faking my horniness or it doesn’t exist for him? I worry I’m losing attraction. I get horny and I used to feel it stay or get stronger once he started touching me but now it feels like it just stays and goes down slightly if we don’t get doing which worries me that I’m gay. I read what lesbians describe they feel for women and it’s what I feel/have felt for my bf in the past and recently. Seeing pictures of him used to turn me on and I could fantasize about is doing whatever I could think of but lately… neither happens. Idk if it’s cuz we’re past the honeymoon phase or if it’s cuz I don’t like him anymore? Idk. I’m confused. When he’s with me it’s pretty easy to get turned on and I don’t question it. He’s attractive. I also worry I can’t find other men attractive/want to sleep with them but I’ve never wanted to sleep with someone unless we have some sort of connection. I think I’m demisexual in some way? Idk. I have never thought about sec with a man or a woman until I dated soemone, mainly my bf, I did masturbate at one point thinking about a female ex which I do regret cuz that’s weird (it was a manifesting thing. I was dumb don’t ask). Idk. I feel insane. I also worry I never felt butterflies or love for him and am only dating him for societal approval which I don’t think is the case. 

My googling has resulted in nothing but more confusion and I can't let this go. Idk if anyone relates. If soemone does pleqse tell me I’m not crazy.