My nesting partner and I have been together for over five years and been living together for one. In the first year I had the worst ROCD and spent a lot of time grieving the end of our relationship, that wasn’t anywhere near. I was so afraid of loosing him, that I considered breaking up, just to finally get through the heartache and also lessen the pain. My reasoning was that it would hurt less, if I had spent less time with him.

I did solo-therapy and a group program and I am so much better for it. The thoughts never go away completely, but I know how to handle them and the last years together have been amazing. I can enjoy our moments together without any doubt or fear and am in the here and now.

After my research on ROCD I got interested in all kinds of relationship topics and spent around three years researching ethical non-monogamy. I am a big fan of the idea behind it and in January I met someone who was interested in dating me.

We have met a few times now and chat every day. We even spent a weekend traveling. I think he is very hot and I might be falling in love a little. My nesting partner is very happy for me and very cute about the whole thing. They even met and got along amazingly and I felt I was on the route to KTP.

Now my new fear: my friend with benefits is new to non-monogamy and on the long run he wants to find a monogamous life partner, marry her, buy a house and have kids. I don’t want any of those things. He says that he doesn’t want to be in an open relationship with me, because his future wife might not be okay with it and it might scare her off. Friends with benefits is what we are right now and it’s the only thing he will ever want with me. I am so heartbroken and sad that he can’t imagine a relationship with me. I am also very sad and scared for the moment when he does meet someone he wants to be monogamous with. Because then any kind of relationship (even a friendship) would be off the table, as I imagine the typical monogamous person doesn’t want their partner to be friends with someone they were once intimate with.

The kicker is: I don’t want to be in a relationship with him. I like him, I wanna spend time with him and cudde/ have sex, but nothing more. Why am I so hurt that he doesn’t want a relationship, if I don’t want one? And why am I so focused on the moment he might break off our thing for someone else? I keep imagining that moment and the jealousy is eating me up. I thought I had gotten over my ROCD, but maybe it gets worse with every new person?

So the options I see are: 1. End it now and get over the heartbreak. 2. Enjoy what time I have with him and have an even more painful heartbreak in the future.

What would you do?