Hi everyone. I am new to this sub. After abusing adderall for almost 4 years and recently coming to terms with the fact I became an alcoholic, I am taking my life back. I am trying to hard to be positive and productive. It’s so hard. It’s only day 3. Hoping it will get better.

My parents always tried to get me to take ADHD meds as a kid, I hated them. Would actually put them in the side of my mouth and spit them out once I got to the bus stop. I got married and had 2 children as a teenager. This is common in my area. Sad, but common. During that time I never drank alcohol, or took any pills. Only smoked weed at night. Despite being depressed as fuck I knew my kids needed at least one sober, present parent.

Flash forward to being remarried with a new baby. I discovered adderall. It helped me focus. My house was clean. Kids school stuff was always prepared for the next day. It was a miracle. I lost all my baby weight rapidly, my OB was mind blown. Went to the gym everyday, had a fucking six pack. I was on top of the world. But I started abusing it. I took it too far. I liked being awake, and not having the inconvenience of hunger (ED BEHAVIOR).

About a year ago I realized I was taking up to 60MG Adderall XR a day. I was only prescribed 20. Sometimes IR (not my script). Anyways I craved coming down and would get blackout drunk. Quit working out. Couldn’t stay on task so dishes and laundry out of control. Irritable, over emotional, exhausted but can’t sleep, and the shittiest part of all I don’t feel I was a TRULY present parent. I was too hyper focused on shit that didn’t matter. I don’t plan on going back to the doctor. I want my life back. I told my husband and my brother (who is a recovering alcoholic who also abused adderall). I plan on starting therapy soon.

I am so deeply tired. In my soul, in my bones, in my mind. I want my life back. My happiness, my motivation, my energy, my patience, my interests. Please how do I begin. I’ve tried staying busy today. Forced myself to eat. And put off crying until now as I’m alone in the bathroom. I don’t want my kids to see me upset. All of this has gone on for 4 years. I’m scared my brain is fried. If you overcame this sort of addiction, please can you give me advice? Is this feeling of hopelessness going to last forever? I am scared I have ruined myself. I am seriously trying so hard. I forgot to mention I am 27(F).