Hello everyone! I send strength to you, wherever you are in your recovery. The last couple days have been really difficult for me as I stare down probably one of the most difficult challenges I’ll fight to overcome. I can’t afford therapy, so I’ve been journaling and doing my own research, which is what leads to my question. In the YouTube videos I’ve been watching from medical professionals discussing recovery, there’s a negative connotation around living a double life. Granted, I understand why. However, I thought everyone lives double (and sometimes more) lives? For example, I don’t think its a stretch to say most people wouldn’t live the same way at work as they do at home, as they do around their closest relatives, as they do at church, etc.?

For reference, not only am I hiding my bad double life which I’m working to recover from. But I also mask. I’ve had horrible experiences opening up about my mental diagnoses. I went out to eat with a guy a couple months ago, and told him just one of my four “things” and he called me slow. It hurt, made me shell up more, and reinforced this thing that people always tell me that I’m making a mistake by telling people personal things about me.

I have trouble understanding cultural norms, but I make it by okay most of the time. But with that being said, our culture seems to push living multiple lives and not “letting people into your business.” When I open up in an attempt to be honest or connect, I rub people the wrong way. I turn people off. I’m seen as “uncivil” or “unprofessional.” I don’t perceive myself as stupid, but people treat me like I am so much that I sometimes wonder if I am and don’t realize it? I say all this to say that double living is all I know and I honestly don’t know if I could live without it.