In 4 days on 2/26/24, I will be 2 months clean from opiates/opioids (heroin/fentanyl). I knew it would take awhile for my brain to get back to normal and function how it did before addiction, but I feel like nothing has changed other than not having to hustle up a bag everyday to avoid being dopesick. I have no energy whatsoever, no will to have a successful future, or really to even live.

I am taking suboxone (zubsolv is actually the brand I take but it’s the same drug) now, but I really try to take the bare minimum so getting off them won’t be as difficult. My goal is to be off subs by Christmas this year. Right now I’m prescribed two 8mg pills daily, but I usually only take about 1/4 to a 1/2 of one pill depending how I’m feeling. I pretty much just take enough to not feel like shit.

I lost my job awhile ago as a result of choices I made in active addiction, and my car broke down so I’ve been without a car or money for quite some time. That’s been okay with me since getting clean, I didn’t want any temptations from the freedom of having a car and money to go buy dope again. As soon as I get my tax refund I’m buying a new car and getting a new job, but for the last two months I’ve just been at home every day sleeping most days, and I am going a bit stir crazy.

I’m not sure if the way I’m feeling is from PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome) and/or the mental effects from being stuck inside for so long, or if it has more to do with side effects of subs. From what I understand about opioid dependence, (and please correct me if I’m wrong) the brain stops producing endorphins and dopamine on its own (or produces substantially less) as someone uses more illicit opiates and starts to become chemically dependent. Activities that activate the receptors in the brain to release these chemicals (diet/exercise, meditation/yoga, laughter/having fun, sex) are currently non-existent in my daily routine, so I know that is a big part of it. I’m hoping once I’m back to work and out of the house more often that will change.

So I guess my question is, is it more likely I’m feeling this way because I’m just not forcing myself to do such activities, or is the fact that I’m taking subs (so still technically dependent on an opioid) and my brain still isn’t producing any/enough natural endorphins and dopamine like it should? I honestly feel way more exhausted and just gloomy and bleh on subs than I did when I was doing fentanyl every day.

I think the hardest part of recovery for me has been realizing how much I fucked my brain up, and how it may never be the same as it was before. Before addiction I never thought about needing a substance to make me happy or just to get through life, and now I’m worried that even though I’m clean, in my mind I’ll always feel like I’m missing something. It’s really frustrating. I’ve done a lot of drugs in my life, and not a single one ever had a hold on me like fentanyl did. Having a drug basically control my mind and every decision I made was pure hell. I said and did horrible things I would never do, stole from my family, and turned into someone I never imagined I could become. I’m still working on forgiving myself, and I trust myself to not go back, but I really hope I don’t feel this way forever. My bf seems to be handling things a lot better than me. We got clean together so it’s been nice having someone to go through it with, but I’m starting to feel like something is wrong with me. Several things are wrong with me tbh but you get the point, lol. He doesn’t really like to talk about it though, maybe it’s a trigger for him but I’m struggling with not having someone who knows what I’m going through to talk to.

Sorry for such a long post, I didn’t intend on it to be this long. Any advice/tips or similar experiences anyone would like to share, I would really appreciate. Criticism is welcome as well, my feelings won’t be hurt if someone tells me to quit being lazy and negative. I am trying to be as positive as I can, I have an 8 year old daughter I have to be strong for. And I know I will, but maybe some words of encouragement or even criticism will be reassuring. TIA! (: