TL;DR: choosing not to get hi.

For a little bit of context: I am away from home right now, roughly 8 hours into the next state over. Im here for work so meaning no wife, no kids, no normal accountability to say. But i am here for work, which obviously has a drug policy but I think we know well enough how those happen and surely what to avoid triggering one.

As far as my “usage” history, I began opiates at a more young age, about 13 or 14 in lets say 2002. Drugs finally stopped showing their face all together in 2022. I has stopped opiates and those alike 3 years (almost 4 now) prior but methamphetamines and benzodiazepines and alcohol still played a roll.

I wouldn’t say I used drugs non stop for the 20 years, but probably realistically 80% high or loaded to 20% sober is how that time was spent. “Claimed” I wanted off drugs more then I can ever possibly remember. 12 rehabs, used in most of them or used almost instantly getting out. I loved being in rehab. It was simple, I enjoyed the digging and emotions, I enjoyed my parents thinking I was safe and doing something right.

But I think we all know no matter how beautiful the gift of sobriety is, if you want to get high, you just will. Its always that simple. You may make it out to be the absolute most difficult thing to say, no, to, and maybe for you it really truly is, its still a choice. A choice that I have personally had a tremendously difficult time saying. The reason for that being, I wanted to get high.

I believe it was February 17th of 2022 was when I was on FaceTime with my at that time 10 year old son. His mother and I had to explain to him why dad wasn’t living there more since he had returned back from vacation to his grandmas. It was the most sincere I had EVER been in my want and desire to pick up a drug. It finally felt like a promise I could get and in all honesty plan on to forever, and up until now, i’ve had some strong cravings. non stop drug dreams, you know, all thats to be expected, but this time being away from my family is putting temptation into over drive.

In early February 2022 I was comatose with meth dripping from my nose, body contorted on my bed with enough bottles of liquid benzodiazepines to last about a decade. I lost everything. Was quickly removed from my house and by the grace of god and I do not know why, my mom let me come to here house. She is extremely loving, but does not enjoy taking care of 32 yr old adult males.

A new was lit underneath me. Between the CONSTANT (no self loathing) crying I was able to get a plan together get a little job, detox and get sober and move into an Oxford house in the state with my son and girlfriend. We had been together every single day for 7 years so splitting from her absolutely broke my heart. The was that the splitting happen ripped it from my chest knowing how much I had betrayed and frankly pissed her the fuck off.

So we get back to the city together, kind of loving at a distance. She has her place, Im at the Oxford house and I get to see our son anytime I please. Stayed sober and life the really kept getting better better and better.

I then applied for on a whim, my dream job. And I fucking got it. Couldn’t believe it. So many terrible and great things all came together to make something of an absolute game changer financially for our family, we all move back in together. Still at a distance, shes still healing and Im just needing to prove myself, we has separate bedrooms and we agreed we can do as we please. Which naturally I think have just remained faithful with each other’s relationship together. Things are going so well I truly feel favored in my life.

With my job now is why I am out of town. Gone for 3 weeks. If i make it through this new training and program it will be just yet another incredible opportunity for our family. But heres the little voice growing growing and getting extremely loud. Its telling I can use. Its telling me go buy some heroin, its pleading to go get some fentanyl pills. Over and over and over. My brain has a tendency to obsess over thing until an outcome whether good or bad has transpired. And I was to give in. My mind so badly wants me to listen. My addiction in the past was so much about taking risks. I always had to hide I was using and this just feels like another day all in the mix of active addiction.

WHY! would my mind want to me throw ALL OF THIS away! It seems so simple to just use and not get caught, I could do it it. But HOW MANY times have I made a “just use once” promise. I feel more mature because i can get my self to see the entire scope of what it looks like. First off I could very well just go in and need to take a random UA and that’ll be that, very very slim chance that would happen. But what is actually frightening is what this is REALLY going to look like. It will without a doubt being a series of uses each tagged with the promise to quit. Each one “being the last” It will without question be daily copping, copping big bags, it will for a fact be noticed by my loved ones, it will 100% be me losing my living situation, it will be me losing my job and maybe not even from getting fired but just not showing up. If I chose to use “once” it will not just be once. It will rip and tare at every proud person in my life. It will kill me.

So today. I chose, I will not pick up a mood or mind altering substance