I’m uglier than a hairless geriatric chihuahua with 3 teeth but you can’t see me in the dark and I have a forked tongue because my high school girlfriend peer pressured me into piercing it and then splitting it with dental floss and I’m a pushover because I’m ugly and I take what I can get.

What that means for you:

I will destroy your fiddly bean in ways your mortal, 3-dimensional human mind can’t even begin to conceive. It’s pointless to even try to describe it. It’s like trying to describe an autumn sunset over a cotton field backed by a leaf-bare deciduous tree line. iykyk. Just like you KNOW Salazar Slytherin was fucking putting it ON Rowena Ravenclaw, and if you don’t, then go check out my Hogwarts canon fanfic at Literotica; my handle is R.L. Steinem.

But for real, I’ll wiggle tongue your little row boat captain so long you’d think it was one of those David Blaine TV specials. I’ll literally leave scar tissue on your pocket worm from sustained friction. I’ll teach you what it’s like to be a butterfly sugar baby, because you’ll cum, cum, cum, m’ lady.

The only thing is that you have to keep the lights off because I fucking look like Jaba the Hutt knocked up Sloth from The Goonies, and Alf knocked up Steve Buscemi, and their respective progeny had a child that got knocked up by Axl Rose, and their baby is me. Literally, that’s who I am as a person. And also I have a snake tongue and a freezer full of Hungry Man TV dinners and a pony keg of Milwaukee’s Best with you and four of your girlfriends’ names on it.

So what are y’all waiting for? Slide into my DMs and I’ll Slytherin to your hot pocket. It’s rizz. It’s drip. It’s demure. It’s skibidi torlet. Gyat.