I heard y’all like Dick pics. SMITE MEEEEEEE. For real lol I’m addicted to the internet and this is a cry for help, I think. Seriously, if I don’t stop doom scrolling 17 hours a day, my wife is going to divorce me and take my cats with her and then I’m going to fucking OD on salt from eating like 3 XL Brooklyn style pizzas from Dominos in 2 hours because I keep ordering delivery in hopes that this one cute driver who delivered me a pizza like 4 years ago still works there and will bring my food this time, and I keep eating all the pizza because I’m a fucking opossum who loves garbage and hates myself.

Or don’t ban me, and maybe I’ll be lucky enough to find another garbage human willing to meet me in the Joy Mart II parking lot and open a circle to summon the Demogorgon that works lunches at the Fayetteville Street Waffle House because that bitch makes a mean double smothered, covered, chunked, and peppered hash, and I’m literally starving because I can’t put my fucking phone down long enough to pick up a fork.

I don’t care. Just somebody save me from myself before I face this entire cylinder of Morton’s and shrivel up like a slug. Have you ever seen Men in Black? I’m like that one ugly ass cockroach dude who wears the human skin and eats like 3 lbs of sugar, except I’m a opossum wearing human skin and I want salt. WHY DO I WANT SALT SO BAD? FUCK SALT!