You think you canāt teach an old dog new tricks? Go fuck yourself! This moldy oldie has an appetite for deconstruction. And sailors.
My whole life, itās always been, āYou canāt eat people, Walter. You canāt eat people.ā I totally get that you canāt kill people, but it seems like a huge waste of resources to justā¦. put meat in the ground (or toss it into the ocean , in the case of seamen).
And letās be honest, weāve all heard that pigs are the closest genetic mammal to humans, and we all love bacon, so logically, weāve all wondered what humansābut particularly sailorsātaste like.
Well, Iām literally 1,274 years old and to be frank, I just donāt give a zoot about the consequences at this point. So Iām launching a new study to determine how diet affects the taste of seamen. Obviously, this canāt be a comprehensive study because you canāt store perishable foods on an aircraft carrier, but we can approximate a balanced diet with supplements and astronaut food.
The end goal is to determine how to make the Naval population a fully self-sustainable and palatable closed loop system so bodies donāt have to be dumped into the ocean, but can instead be used for one final act of service. Literally, what better way to serve your fellow man than in a lukewarm chafing dish in the mess hall of a cramped tin can, floating in the great blue nothing.
If youāre interested in adhering to a strict diet of dehydrated McDonalds, Ruthās Chris, and Whole Foods hot bar, and donating approximately 50 grams of muscular tissue quarterly, over the span of 20 years, send a pigeon with your given name, age, weight, height, and local parsonage to Doug at the Staples on Wendover Avenue in Greensboro. Heāll handle the rest, and weāll be in contact.
Godspeed, you!
- Black Emporer
Subreddit
Post Details
- Posted
- 2 weeks ago
- Reddit URL
- View post on reddit.com
- External URL
- reddit.com/r/RDUR4R/comm...