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So, a while ago, my wife brought up the idea of an open marriage (you can see my post history if you're interested). We had lots of conversations about it and decided against it. I have pretty good reason to think she hasn't slept with anyone else, but I've also started getting the feeling she hasn't really told me everything about what was going on with her during that time.
One thing that happened is that she got a WhatsApp message while I was setting an alarm for her. I didn't read her texts, but the chat preview from a specific person was somewhat suspicious, so I asked her about it, and she had a reasonably plausible explanation. This is where things start to get a little iffy, though. She has two phones. A personal Android, and a work iPhone, and her WhatsApp account is linked on both. I noticed that she now has the app lock feature enabled on her iPhone, so chats no longer show a message preview and a pin is needed to open the app. I've seen message alerts show up from this suspicious contact on her iPhone, but I obviously can't see the message preview anymore. However, I've noticed that she no longer gets alerts from this contact on her Android. In fact, she's literally given me her Android unlocked to use for specific tasks, and I let curiosity/suspicion get the better of me, and I had a look at her WhatsApp. There was no record of her conversation with this person on her Android at all. So she's somehow figured out how to keep WhatsApp locked down on her iPhone and totally hidden on her WhatsApp. I've seen her texting this person on her Android over her shoulder, so she somehow does have these chats accessible on both phones.
So, what gives?
2 years old ยท 335 karma
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The fact that she locked things down immediately after raises some flags, but I don't know your wife, and there may be a plausible reason.
My wife and I know each others passcodes. I never feel the need to check her messages, but it shows trust on both ends. We also both freely use each others phones for things like taking pictures, and either of us could peek at what the other one is doing. I have no issues with any of that, because I have zero to hide. I don't ever delete text messages or phone calls, and I only ever use iMessage and very rarely FB Messenger for things like FB Market.
The only things I have ever asked her to not to look at are Amazon purchases, and only when I have bought a gift that I don't want to spoil. The only other thing I could see "hiding" from her would be if I was planning a surprise party for her and communicating with people about that.
The thing I always hear though is if it's gotten to the point where you think there is something, then there probably is, or at least you are at a point where you don't trust each other. She doesn't trust you to see her conversations, and you don't trust her to be honest. You will need to confront her, but phrase it in a way that is not accusatory. I have never been in that situation, so I can't say what that is. Maybe bring it up in a way like "Hey, you use WhatsApp, right? What makes that better than texting? I've never really used it, so I'm curious." See what her response is. If it's defensive, you will have to dig more. If it's innocent, maybe you can steer her to show you on her phone what is so great about it. You also should probably see a counsellor.