(I apologize for spelling errors I’m shaking while typing this) I am beyond sad today. Unfortunately about a week ago I noticed a lump on my heart rat between her legs. I’ve been monitoring it but then and there I knew I wasn’t going to have her long as I just checked on her the day before and nothing this big was on her. Unfortunately I was right as the lump quadrupled in size within days. The day before yesterday I cleaned the cage and the lump was now blackened. Then and there I knew I wasn’t going to put her through a traumatic surgery that she may not wake up from and may not recover from. My friend had the same situation with his rat and made the decision to operate, only for her to be and great pain and not live long afterwards. I didn’t want to be selfish. I loved her so much but I didn’t want my love for her to blind me. I wasn’t going to make her suffer just because I didn’t want to loose her. She is too pure and too sweet to suffer and know anything but happiness and comfort. Last night she cuddled inside my hoodie after I fed her loads of whipped cream. With a heavy heart I euthanized her today. She was sedated where I prayed over her and pet her and told her how much I loved her and how she would never be forgotten as along as I am breathing. I then I had to make the hardest decision I ever made by telling the vet to give her the injection. She was gone in seconds… I held her until I got home and buried her under the pine tree I sit under when I take my puppies out. I’ve lost rats before but this was one of the hardest. I don’t mean to delve into my personal life but I currently feel so alone in this. I didn’t have the money to euthanize her myself and neither did my mother at the moment and it happened so sudden and developed so fast. My mother told my boyfriend she’d pay him the first of next month ($140) but this morning we woke up and he told me he was aggravated he even had to pay for this. He told me I shouldn’t get rats if I didn’t want to go through this and I should be understanding that he’s upset because he has things he wants to do for himself at the moment. I shouldn’t be mad because he already helps me with my car insurance and tire payments as I’ve been unemployed since January due to a suicide attempt which caused hospitalization and my mental health deteriorating. They put me on new meds but I’m still struggling greatly. My physical health is also taking a blow. Ever since I caught Covid I am constantly tired and everything I do winds me, makes me dizzy, and nauseous. And it’s getting worse instead of better. I can’t exercise or run up the stairs like a normal 19yo. I change laundry and get short of breath. I scoop cat litter and get dizzy. It’s very discouraging. I try not to burden him but I didn’t want something I love to suffer, dragging something along. It was obstructing her anus and vagina! I couldn’t watch that. I feel sick to my stomach. And now he’s threatening to leave me because I cried and stopped him from going to work immediately because I was begging for a hug. I kept saying my rat is going to die she’s going to die. He told me fuck that rat… I am beyond distressed. I will never be able to cuddle with my baby anymore. I miss her so much already.