I have recently been reflecting on my experience of ego. It started by reflecting on this sense I have that I'm an interesting person with deep and complex opinions and rich experiences, coupled with the feeling that I must figure out how to express that so that others can recognise the value I contribute. Somehow I got it into my head that I have an inner world which is nobler, more nuanced and "better" than other people - "if only people could appreciate what I bring to the table, then things would be different, I would be treated with the respect and admiration I deserve blah blah blah".

My "realisation" is that, of course, everyone would have the experience of being a more complicated, virtuous and misunderstood person than others can appreciate.

Just as I feel like the people I crave to be acknowledged by are missing something, there must also be people I am dismissive of who similarly feel overlooked and underappreciated.

I am sure that this experience of ego, of feeling that there is something bigger inside us than our bodies reveal, is not new. I do wonder, though, how new is this experience so many of us have where we feel like we expect a partner who is as good externally as we feel we are internally? It seems to me that the internet has created this media oversaturation of people who are beautiful, wealthy, independent, intelligent and happy. Perhaps once upon a time, when we only knew around 150 people, we never would have felt entitled to so many preferences and dealbreakers?

Will we somehow all end up forever alone while insisting that no one else is good enough for us? If we feel conviction in our preferences does that mean that lowering them to be more realistic is 'settling' and disrespectful to the partner we 'settle' for?

In my opinion, there is a lot on the line - it could determine whether you're the end of your lineage, or whether it continues beyond you. The way people conceive of the meaning of life and the significance of procreation differs a lot, but fundamentally I view procreation as one of the key motivations for finding a partner. I don't feel ready to have kids, but I do feel ready to begin cultivating the conditions for it. So I feel a partner should be single, physically healthy, mentally stable, as well as having a temperament which makes it possible for us to respectfully disagree and communicate openly and non-judgementally.

At the same time, I still experience a desire for adventure, pleasure and the self-absorbed indulgence of infatuation. So I also feel a partner should be physically attractive, should have a lifestyle that supports spontaneity, share my views on sex, drugs and life, and, of course, be looking for someone like me, with similar intentions.

While I do have a sense that physical attraction is a "shallow" (and therefore morally questionable (?)) criteria, I actually think most of the others are pretty sensible.

I don't meet many people through work and often have limited ability to socialise. After a 7 year relationship I spent 4 years going through a series of month-long flings. Sick of that, I ended up in a fwb situationship for nearly 3 years before I ended it because I felt like it was wasting both of our time. Since then, in the past year, I've had a couple of first dates, but nothing that felt right. Sometimes I feel like waiting for the right person is noble and somehow the universe will reward my austerity. Other times I feel like I'm suffering a fatal flaw of my own ego and the universe will punish my arrogance with solitude.

Wow, this has gone super deep and sort of melancholic, that wasn't the intention! I just figure that one of my strengths is my honesty and ability to reflect self-critically without being defensive, and this is my attempt to demonstrate that without simply saying so and expecting you to believe me.

What do you look for in a relationship? What do you look for in a partner? What are red flags or green flags you look for? Do you think settling is a mature decision and/or a disrespect to the person you end up with?