My lovely friend who I met off reddit four years ago asks if I'm okay. I dodge and make a joke. She laughs reluctantly but then asks again. She's persistent like that. I say I'm okay. She knows. I know she knows. I love her and I appreciate her asking. She sees me. Truly. But her plate is already so full and I do not want to add my shit on top of it.

I'm a cliché but with slightly different motivation. A man reluctant to share his pain. But it's not vulnerability that's the issue. Go deep in my post history and there's a lot there. It was hard earned and now I'm not afraid to feel and voice all the feelings and thoughts. It's the b-word that frightens me.

Burden. I do not want to be a burden.

I'm better at giving than receiving. Better at giving care than receiving care. Better at giving love than receiving love. Better at giving kindness than receiving kindness. Better at giving pleasure than receiving pleasure. Better at giving time, energy, patience and consideration than receiving them.

No, that's not good. But dammit if I don't feel pretty purposeful when I'm giving. And don't think I'm being selfless. There's plenty of selfishness in there. I do it because I like it. I give care to feel more in control of my life.

But then when I'm on the receiving end, that ratfucker part of my brain starts to light up. And he keeps asking that same goddamn question I hate to my insecure core:

“Am I worth this?”

What is the line between healthy and unhealthy interactions/distractions/relationships? I believe you can take something from every experience you have. Something to learn from, feel from, desire from. That can't be bad unless you misuse it like a drug. And maybe I get a little hit of dopamine from every new message or chat request from these posts. After all, you never know who is on the other side of the screen. And maybe get a little lost in the excitement of a seamless back and forth with someone I just found out existed. But I've met my share of someones that mean so much here. And I'm sure I'll meet more. Friends? Lovers? Kindred souls? All of the above?

Yes, I have work to do. But I have done a lot in the last four years. I can see a lot of growth among my trauma and flaws. And even at your best days, there's always work to do. I guess I just like honestly working with others.

So, hi. I'm not okay. But that's okay.