Hi! It actually let me post this time! I'm experiencing such dark days and haven't been able to post here like I used to and while things in my life are still impossible and bleak I actually feel a rush of happiness from being able to post. I like to create beacons for you, that connection I've craved since early childhood, and it feels good to be able to create this beacon today.

So: I'm Nathaniel. I have posted before about my most prescient early memories, those ones that seem to go back to an earlier time in my life than most and relate to such things as social anxiety, questioning authority, rejection of religion and established belief systems, and fear of judgment. I've posted about a memory of a christmas eve when i was four or five and my mom's attempt to convince me that santa claus exists made me wonder whether she was indoctrinated or else trying to indoctrinate me. I've posted about the first time I used the word "delicious" and was laughed at, or when i was similarly laughed at by emulating adult behavior in the act of paying for a book about bats at my first ever scholastic book fair. i've posted about more recent experiences too, the broad and cosmic hallucinations and ideas that came with sleep deprivation psychosis, and the existential dread of living next to my rotting and condemned childhood home up on the hill behind me in a country place where people seemed to die far too often. death follows, though, as most of my friends are dead and gone. i've seen and experienced more dark things than most people probably do, and may even have had a lot of them beat by the time i was twenty-five. i could live a quiet and pretty solitary life from here on out and feel i got more than my share of wild stories and experiences. i do want to live a sort of quiet and solitary life and i want to live it with you.

see maybe i'm not going into detail about any of those things i just mentioned to make much sense but the point of it is that these things and more relate to the disconnection and detachment i have always felt. i have been forever alone. i was a wildly extroverted and out there teenager and young adult, i met so many people and did so many things, i had trysts and affairs with so many partners, i had handfuls of friends, but i was still never truly connected to someone. i have always seen a world, or truths about the world, that others don't seem to see. i am an atheist and an anarchist and anti-everything in a way. i'm a contrarian sure but also i see the injustice and selfishness in all of this. human developments and machinations ravage this world, kill off plant and animal species, and yes we hurt each other too but that's kind of the least infuriating bad thing we do because at least we do it to each other. a lot of bleeding heart types will lament the pain and suffering we cause one another but greater still is the pain and suffering we cause so many other living things and the world itself. maybe someday we'll burn it all down and fly off to another planet, like running across the street to live in a new house while your first house burns down because of you. it's irresponsible to fly to the moon when that money and time and effort could be spent on people who need it, but it's even worse to fly to the moon when you're proving that you can't go without ruining the planet you're already on. you're probably just going to fuck up whatever other place you visit too. i see how small-minded ANY religious belief system is. i won't go into it too much here but put simply it's like this: if i ask if you want pizza and you say "yes" you have chosen ONE thing and eliminated EVERY OTHER possible choice. that "yes", or that dedication to one system of belief, is a "NO" to infinity minus one. if i ask if you want pizza and you say "no", you are still open to the possibility of anything else, having eliminated only one choice, meaning you could potentially say "YES" to infinity minus one. but "i don't know" leaves you open to infinity. "yes" can be incredibly closed-minded. "i don't know" is the most open-minded answer there is. so what the fuck kind of magic is out there in this universe? i don't know.

what i want in you is this: i want someone who rejects everything, who doesn't know anything, like me. someone who sees the folly in law and government religion and fucking building stupid things and further advancing smartphones and chatbots and shit the way i do. someone who's always been alone. someone who sees that even with one word something is lost in translation and wants to build a language/dialogue with me that surpasses what most people share.

here are some things i like or some simple descriptors of me: i look less peculiar than i am. i wear a lot of black but i don't have piercings or tattoos, but i'm still the black sheep. i'm 6'1 and 180 lbs but getting back to my slimmer build. i ran away from a very bad place so my belongings and my finances are wrecked and gone right now. i have nothing to offer you physically and can't pretend i'm some "ambitious" (normal people seem to mistake greed and narcissism for ambition and accomplishment) or well off person. i do want to get back to writing and make a real attempt at writing novels this coming year but if you care about money or what people "do" (what a stupid and offensive question) or don't think police and financial institutions and politicians are ALL evil then you're not the YOU i speak to. if you post "no TRUMP supporters" kind of shit then we're not a fit either, like yeah i'm anti-trump but i'm also anti-politicians in general and don't make my disdain for any one candidate a part of my personality and it's a total red flag to me if one particular politician and your rejection of them is such an integral part of your lacking and simple personality that it makes it into your short stupid post. VOTING IS VIOLENCE so if you voted for ANYBODY and actually think any of that counts for anything then we're wrong for each other. movies i like are they live, total recall, big trouble in little china, pee-wee's big adventure, batman, ed wood, the shining, fight club. bands are sonic youth, NIN, the cure, wipers, nitzer ebb. books are watership down, gravity's rainbow, LOTR, and anything by my beloved franz kafka. i love comics, particular 80s DC superhero comics (batman, superman, GL).i like old 80s NWA pro wrestling. i like starcraft brood war and WCW/nWo revenge and chrono trigger.

this post is, as is typical of me, inaccessible i know. but it's a beacon for you and if you're really you maybe you'll find something in it that makes it worth reaching out to me.